Habits (MGK FanFic)

Chapter 3: Lily

I didn't cry. Not when he told me. I just sat there frozen. I couldn't process it. Not for the first couple of hours. My mind wanted to deny this. We'd just gone to the doctor last week. A healthy baby boy. That's what they said. That little boy couldn't be gone.

When everything finally clicked I couldn't stop crying. Colson did his best to comfort me, but he was in pain too. We lost our baby. I wasn't gonna be able to hold him in three months. Colson wasn't going to have a mini him. The future that we talk about wasn't going to happen any more. There were so many things that we would never get to do with our boy. He was gone forever.

"I love you." He says, gripping my hands tightly. His voice is hoarse from crying. "We gotta be strong. For each other."

"I love you, Colson." I cry into him.

—

A week later I was released from the hospital. Colson wasn't his normal chatty self. He talk about how he had to send a thank you to Eminem for covering the hospital bill. That was it though. We sat there in silence, radio off. Neither of us wanted to talk about being home for the first time since it happened.

I stared at the place we called home for a while, not bothering to get out of the car. Part of me wondered whether the blood of me and my baby still stained our bed. Ashleigh probably had someone to clean it all up. They wouldn't have allowed us to go home like that.

"Are you ready?" Colson asks, grabbing my hand tightly.

We walked hand in hand into the house. Both of us shaking as we walked past the nursery and into our bedroom. I knew that soon we would have to break down everything and get rid of it. There were appointments I had to cancel and dates I needed to change. Soon but not today though. Today, we would spend our first night at home since we lost the baby.
Colson went to his dresser, pulling out a joint. The lighter shook in his hands as he lit it. I watched him for a moment before walking over to him. I didn't say anything before taking it out of his mouth. I hadn't smoked in six months. As I took the first drag I felt it tingling my senses.

"Can you smoke on the meds?" He asks.

Oh, the medication the hospital gave me. Pain killers of some sort. It was supposed to stop me from feeling my body recover.

"Didn't take them." I took another hit.

I probably should be. Colson didn't say anything though, despite most likely wanting me to take them. The doctors had said that I didn't have to take them, but I may experience pain as I heal. I left them at the hospital. I wanted to feel the pain. I also didn't want to have them in the house. I didn't want to get addicted to them.

We laid in bed, smoking for a while. Occasionally we would say something random like a random paint speck on the ceiling. After a while I curled into his arms, my fingers tracing over his tattoos. I gently touched the name inked into his skin on his chest. My name. When he had gotten it, i told him that he was crazy. We hadn't even been together for a year yet. That didn't stop him. Now it was there forever.

"You need to shave." I speak up. "I don't think you'd look good in a beard."

"Just haven't gotten around to shaving it." He says. "Didn't seem important."

I don't say anything else. Instead I turn away from him, staring at the wall. His tone sounded so cold. He hated me. I don't blame him. It was all my fault. I lost the baby. I was the reason he had dark circles under his eyes.

Colson doesn't say anything else. He just lays there next to me. I don't know if he slept. I didn't. I watched the sun set out the window. Time just kept passing by.

Eventually I got up to go to the rest room. I saw my reflection in the full length mirror. My hands went down to clutch the bulge that was my stomach. It was soft to the touch. All fat at this point. I was never thin, but I never thought of myself as far until now. There wasn't a baby in here anymore. Instead it was just a reminder of my failure.

I wiped away my tears before heading back to bed. I couldn't stop myself from searching out for him in the bed that seemed to big at the moment. He froze at first before pulling me tightly against him. I melted into his touch, breathing in his sent.

For two weeks we kept tip toeing around each other. We talked but not really. He locked himself away in the basement studio and I stayed away. Occasionally I'd go to coffee shops and try to work on my next book, but I would end up just staring at a blank page. Sometimes I cried all day, other times I just stared off into space.

It wasn't until I went grocery shopping on the third week that I saw any article about Colson or I. Normally I don't pay attention. But I was weak right now. The tabloid caught my eye. I picked it up, looking at a photo of me from last week. The article talk about how I hadn't even bothered to try to shed the baby weight. I should be angry. This should piss me off that they would say something like that after I had lost my child. It didn't though. All I could focus on was how heavy I looked in that photo.
Before leaving the store I bought four different kinds of diet pills and a carton of cigarettes. I hid my face as I went to my car. I didn't even wait till I got home. I swallowed a handful of the pills, chasing it with an energy drink. The first hit of the cigarette made me nauseous. I hadn't smoked in a long time.

I kept smoking as I drove home. I left the pills in the car, knowing that it was better if Colson didn't know. He sat on the couch with Rook, Slim and Dub. They were chatting on FaceTime with Pete Davidson as they rolled some joints. I wave to Pete as I take two perfectly rolled joints off the table. The boys didn't say anything to me as I headed upstairs. I grabbed a bottle of Jameson on my way up.

The whiskey burned as I drank it straight from the bottle. I kept drinking from it as I went to the upstairs patio. It was the only place I could go upstairs without having to pass the nursery. I stared at the sky as I went from drinking to weed to cigarettes.

"We're ordering Chinese, what do you want?" Rook says coming out onto the patio.

"I ate earlier when I went out." The lie came out too easily.

"Are you sure? We could get you something for later." He suggests.

"I'm good. Thanks though."

Rook kisses my forehead before grabbing my hand. He pulls me to stand up. "Fine. Come down and join us though."

I couldn't argue as he pulls me downstairs.

"You good?" Colson asks, taking in the smell of me.

I smelt like a fucking dive bar but didn't give two shits. I sat down on his lap, gently stroking his now clean shaven jawline. "All good."