Habits (MGK FanFic)

Chapter 21: Lily

It was Sunday night. My parents had just left. Colson was somewhere. He's been avoiding me since Friday. I would see him at meals with my family or when he'd come to get clothes. That was it. He'd been crashing in the pool house with the boys.

"Is Colson here?" I ask Slim.

Slim shook his head at me, not responding. He just left the pool house. I turn to Dub and Baze but they do the same.

"Rook?" I ask in a small voice.

"Seriously, Lily. You've fucked up." Rook sighs.

"Are you going to leave me too?" Lip quivering.

"Jesus." He groans, seeing the tears falling from my eyes. He comes up, wrapping arms around me. "No ones leaving you."

"Then why won't he even look at me?" I cry. "I'm tired of feeling so alone. The house is so empty. I feel so empty."

Rook held me until I felt myself being shifted into someone else's arms. The familiar scent just made me cry even harder. I heard Rook leave the pool house, giving us time alone.

Colson strokes my hair as I cried into him. His arms tried to stop the uncontrollable shaking of my body. He didn't say anything. I didn't need him too. Instead I kept trying to apologize but everything kept coming out as strangled cries.

"Why?" He asks me, his voice croaking as if he was trying to stop himself from crying. "Why and how long?"

I didn't need more context. I looked down at the ground. "Thursday. Only since Thursday. Mom called me and.....I don't know I just lost it. I kept feeling like I was falling deeper and deeper. I just wanted to be happy."

"Then tell me!" Colson slightly yells in frustration. "Don't shut me out from what your feeling."

"I didn't want to drag you down too." I told him.

He seemed like he'd been doing so well lately. It was like the old Colson was back. He's laughing and smiling a lot. The writers block he had has gone away. It's like he's back to moving on with his life while I keep getting pulled back into a loop of despair.

"Lily, you hiding things like this from me is what's gonna bring me down." He says. "We promised each other we weren't going to do that anymore."

"Do you think there's something wrong with me?"

He sits down, pulling me into his lap to hold me closer. "Nothings wrong with you. Fuck. Things are just rough right now. Maybe we should've taken more time. Maybe we came back to early."

"I was doing better." I tell him. "Then I just....I don't know....I lost it. I just want to be happy again."

"Are you happy with me?" He asks, avoiding eye contact.

"Colson Baker, you are one of the only things that make me happy right now." I told him.

I meant it. Even with everything going on, my emotions being a constant roller coaster, he was the only constant thing that made me feel all right. He's my rock. For him to question his presence in my life breaks my heart.

"I just feel like I'm the one putting you on this path of self destruction."

This started a new set of tears. "It's all me. I'm the one that feels like I'm destroying everything. You aren't responsible for any of this. It's just all these doubts in my head."

"Then tell me about them! Don't fucking keep shit inside." He says.

"I love you." I told him. I couldn't think of anything else to say to him. It was what I felt like I needed him to hear. To remind him that I love him so much that it hurts to think of a life without him.

Colson roughly gripped my hair, forcing my lips to his. The kiss was rough and passionate. We hold onto each other trying to comfort each other. We both poured every emotion into the kiss.

"I don't want to be alone anymore." I told him as soon as we both broke apart, out of breath.

"I just....I wanted time to think." He sighs.

I get off his lap, nodding. "I get that."

He grabs my hand to stop me from walking away. "I've had time. We need to just stop fucking thinking and just talk through this shit. I know I'm not great at it, but we've got to try."

"So....you'll come home tonight?" Hope rising.

"I'll be back in our bed tonight." Colson confirms.

"That's all I need." I smile weakly.

I hadn't been sleeping well without him. The loneliness and self doubt filled the spaces that he should be. I would cuddle his pillows, hoping that his scent would bring me some comfort. Instead they would just remind me that he wasn't here and that I was once again all alone. 

"Is everyone mad at me?" I ask him.

Colson runs a hand through his hair. Something he always did when he was frustrated. "They're just upset. They'll get over it."

"Will you?"

"Lily.....fuck.....yes....no.....I honestly don't know. It's just....as soon as I saw the powder on your nose I just kept thinking back to your." He lets his voice drop off.

To my almost overdose. The night where everything piled on me so much that I was tired of feeling anything. I didn't think of it. I had blocked it out of my mind. Colson...he must have been reliving that over and over.

"I'm so sorry." I tell him. "I know that doesn't cover it, but I'm just so sorry."

"Just no more drugs, please." He begs. Something that he normally doesn't do. "At least, only do them when we're all together so that we can watch each other. I just don't want to use them to solve problems."

I nod. "No more."

Colson pulls me back into his arms, kissing my cheek. "How about we have a family game night tonight? You, me, and the boys."

"That sounds nice." I tell him. "Will they want to come? Slim, Dub, and Baze won't even talk to me."

"Babe, they love you. They're just frustrated with everything going on." He says. "They'll come."

"I'll come!" Rook says, coming into the room. "I've got Cards Against Humanity."

I go over to him, hugging him and kissing him on the cheek. "Thank you. Just for...being the big brother I've never had."

He wipes away the tears on my cheeks. "I'm always here for you, little sis. Just don't do anything crazy. Leave that to Kells."

"Dip shit." Colson called from the couch.

I let out a small laugh.

A family game night was just what I needed. It was time with just those who have taken care of me for the past couple of years. EST means everyone stands together. That's what they lived by. Right now, maybe everyone together was what I needed.