Habits (MGK FanFic)

Chapter 4: Colson

I didn't want to wake up. It's the same thing as it's been the past couple of weeks. The sun hasn't even risen and I'm awake. Lily lays next to me. I didn't even have to look at her to know that her cheeks were still wet from crying herself to sleep. She's curled up in a tiny ball in the corner of the bed.
She can't even look at me most days. This was my fault. I put too much stress on her. She blames me just as I blame myself. Once again I've fucked up something good. Every time something good happens to me something bad comes at me like a hurricane. Lily doesn't deserve to deal with the fall out. She deserves nothing but happiness. Fuck, I can't even remember the last time she smiled.
I climb out of bed, heading to the studio once again. For years I've always dealt with throwing all my emotions into a song, trying to get clarity. Normally words would pour out onto the page as I expressed everything deep within me. Lately, well, that's been a different story. I can't get anything to come out. Right when I think I have some new lyrics, my mind is taken back to seeing her lying in that hospital bed. Writers block is a fucking bitch.
Picking up the phone, I quickly dialed a number. I didn't wait until he had said hello before speaking. "I can't fucking get any new lyrics."
"Look, Kelly, you can't force it out. You have to let them come to you." Eminem's voice responded.
"I know they're in there. I have to get them out." Tears started to pool in my eyes. I can't remember ever crying as much as I have in the last month. "Once they're out I can move past this."
"That's the thing it's not like some little bitch fight or a breakup, it's not gonna be as easy to process. What does Lily have to say about this?" He asks.
"She doesn't talk to me." I sigh. "She mostly just lays in bed, staring at the wall."
"You guys need to get out. Go do something. Don't you have interviews or performances coming up?"
"Pushed then back till next month." I said.
I was supposed to be doing interviews and performances all right now. My new movie, Lily's movie, was coming out in a month. I was supposed to be promoting that right now. Instead I keep myself locked away in a dark basement afraid to face the world outside.
"Open for me next week. I got a gig up your way actually. Show Cleveland we've really squashed this beef." Eminem suggests.
"Thanks, man. I'll get Ashleigh to call your manager and set up everything." I thank him.
Performing, maybe that would help mask some of this pain I feel. My eyes are dark, bags underneath them. To be honest I can't remember the last time I went outside. I called Ash, telling her about everything. She quickly got to work on setting it all up, excited for something to do.
I went upstairs to search for some food in the fridge. Lily sat at one of the barstools at the island, drinking from a bottle of sprite. I went over to her, kissing her on the cheek trying to ignore the way that she flinched.
"So you're gonna do a show with Eminem?" She asks me. "Ash called before you came up. Wanted to know if I thought it was a good idea."
"Well it's not your decision." I snap, not knowing why I was getting angry at her. "Em suggested it, and it sounds like a good idea. At least it'll get me out of this fucking house."
The tears in her golden brown eyes don't fall. As she stares at me, I hate myself. She looks so small and fragile, yet here I am getting pissed with her for no reason. Her whole body was shaking. Those sad eyes swallowing me whole, consuming me in the guilt.
"Lily, baby-" I started.
"We're running low on smoke." She interrupts me. "Can you go pick some up?"
I take a cautious step towards her. "Yeah, you gonna still be here when I get back?"
"It's not like I have anywhere else to go." She says before taking a large drink from her sprite bottle.
With how close I am I can smell the tequila. I don't say anything though. Instead I head outside, going to the pool house to make the call. I call our normal guy Neil, who has sorted me out for years. He tells me that it'll be a few hours but he can get my order here by tonight. I make sure that I have that kinda cash in the safe before deciding to go out to a bar for a bit.
I couldn't find Lily before I left so I wrote her a note in the kitchen. I knew my hometown like the back of my hand. Which is why I don't understand why my feet quickly carried me to a dive bar. Of course I'd been here before. I was a different person back then. I was nothing but a piece of shit junkie.
As I reflected on those days, staring at the door to the bar something clicked in me. It's what every addict things, one hit and I'll be better. My hands shake as they open the door. Once I went inside there was no turning back. My fingers danced over my veins as I walked up the bar to order a drink.
Lily would be so angry right now. This is the last place she would want me. Part of me wants her to find me here. A sick part of me that wants her to yell at me. Before that's exactly what she would've done. Now there's this zombie-like Lily that's replaced her. I don't even think this one can tell.
"Well if the little gunner hasn't returned." Came a raspy female voice. She looked rough. Jeanie didn't age well, especially not with whatever concoction she puts into herself. "Looking for a hit, pretty boy?"
No. Hell no. I wanted to say it. Something else had control of my body though. I nodded yes, following her into the back room. She pushed me down onto the couch, stroking my arm. I felt her tie something around it tightly, trying to make the veins more prominent.
I looked down at my phone, staring at the wallpaper. Lily smiled at me in the photo, her hand holding up an ultrasound photo. She looked so happy. My fingers ran over the glass screen of my phone, trying to touch her. That Lily was gone though. She was gone and it was all my fucking fault.
I didn't even feel the needle slide in. I just allowed the darkness to consume me.