Habits (MGK FanFic)

Chapter 9: Lily

Pete hung around for a while after dinner then headed home after Anna started to get ready for bed. Colson and I started to get ready for bed as well.

I hated the silence we always seemed to be in whenever we were alone. It never used to be like this. I missed us. Colson acts as if he doesn't notice the change. He doesn't do anything to stop the silence.

He fell asleep almost instantly. His back turned to me in the bed, tattoos peaking out from his tank top. The only time he was showing his arms was when we were alone, same applied to myself. We had to make sure the track marks weren't in view for anyone to see. They should be gone in a few weeks.

I couldn't take it anymore. I quietly got up and went into the living room. Maybe some tv would help me fall asleep. Some noise to fill the silence.

"Can't sleep?" John's voice greets me as I walk into the room.

"I don't remember what sleep is at this point." I sigh. "Why are you up?"

He revealed a pack of cigarettes in his hand. "I've been trying to quit, but it's not going so well. Want one?"

Nodding eagerly, I follow him out onto the fire escape. We both sit there, taking in the first couple of drags.

"Don't tell my wife I let you have a smoke. She thinks we should try to get you guys off of everything cold turkey." John tells me.

My fingers ghosted over the track mark in my arm. "So no cigarettes as well as no drugs. Great."

"I know it's not going to be easy, especially if you two smoke half as much as Pete, but it'll be good for you guys. That's part of the reason I suggested you come stay with us. It'll be easier for you guys to try to pretend to be normal not just Machine Gun Kelly and his author girlfriend." He explains.

"Sobriety isn't something either of us do well."

John hands me two more cigarettes. "Take these either for yourself or maybe the both of you. Perhaps a sober smoke talk might help you two."

With that being said he left me out there to finish my first smoke. Those two new cigarettes weighed on me. I could just save them for myself. Who knows when I'd get another smoke. Then again, Colson wouldn't get a smoke. That made my decision a lot easier. I finished my current smoke and went back inside.

Colson was awake when I went back into the room. He was lazily flipping through his phone, eyes not completely open. I climbed up onto the bed, sitting down next to him. As soon as I was close to him, he put his phone down.

"You smell like smoke." He says, his voice croaky from sleep.

"I brought you one." I offered my hand out for him to see both cigarettes.

He takes one of them from me. "Guessing I gotta go outside for this shit."

I nodded. "Fire escape through the living room."

Colson stands up, stretching out at he does so. He throws on a hoodie before heading to the door. His eyes meet mine as he pauses in the doorway. "You comin' or nah?"

Quickly I scramble up, rushing towards him. I looked like a puppy desperate for his attention. He wasted no time in leading me back out onto the fire escape. With his height, his legs hit mine as we sat down.

"I've gotcha." Colson says, reaching over to light my cigarette for me.

"Thanks." I whisper.

The silence over takes us once again. I avoid looking at him. I didn't want to see how hollow his eyes looked. I didn't want to see those dark circles under his eyes. Things that I had caused.

"I fucking hate this distance." He groans, suddenly pulling me into his side. "I know you don't want this, I just gotta have you near me."

My eyes snap to meet his. "I wouldn't want this?"

He takes a heavy drag from his cigarette. "You have to hate me for all this shit I've put you through."

I put my hand on his cheek. "I've spent so long thinking that you've hated me."

"Lily, I fucking love you." He pulls me onto his lap. "I fucking love you. Myself? I hate. You? Never."

Tears welled up in my eyes. "But I've failed you. I lost our baby. I kept taking shit to cope, only thinking of myself. You stayed away from me. I thought it was cause you hated the sight of me."

"I only stayed away cause I didn't think you'd want me around. Especially since I started using again and didn't want to disappoint you anymore than i already have." He sighs.

"Please don't leave me again. I love you." I wrap my arms around his neck, tossing my cigarette away.

Colson held me tightly, breathing in my scent. "I fucking died inside when I saw you with that needle in my arm. It kills me that I put you in that situation."

"I did it to myself." I tried to say.

"When you found that bag all I could think of was that you were leaving me. I almost wish that had been the case. Instead you had a fucking needle in your arm and puke filled with who knows what kinda pills." He placed a kiss to the track mark in my arm. 

I let out a shaky breath. "They were diet pills. I started taking them a few weeks back when a tabloid printed an article about my weight."

I'd had issues with my weight before. I was never going to be model thin. The first time I had battled against not eating, I only smoked and drank energy drinks. This time was similar but with more drugs and lots of alcohol. Colson hasn't known me the first time I'd struggled with this. He knew stories though, seen pictures as well.

"You're beautiful, babe. Every time I see you I think your an angel here to save me." He kisses me on the forehead. At the moment that felt like the most intimate thing in the whole world.

I looked down at the fat around my stomach. "I've gained so much weight."

One arm wrapped around my waist. His other hand stroking my fat, something I flinched at but didn't stop him. "Nothing's gonna stop me from wanting you. There was a baby inside of you. You have to heal after that. It'll go away eventually and if it doesn't then who the fuck cares. I don't. I love you and not just for that sexy ass of yours."

We sat out there for a while, with me in his arms. It felt nice. I wasn't feeling as alone anymore. His scent enveloped me. Home. That's what he would always be to me.

"Don't leave me." He says softly. "After everything that's happened I think that would kill me."

I placed a light kiss to his lips. "I love you, Colson Baker, Machine Gun Kelly, Kells, or whatever the fuck you want to be called in the future. You're it for me."