Insomnia // Billie Eilish

Chapter 34

"What?"

"You're going to walk to her house, knock on her door, break up with her, and tell her it's because you don't like her anymore. I also want you to make sure she knows not to come by, because we're moving." My mom smirked, lighting a cigarette.

I shook my head and looked at her like she was crazy. Obviously she was. "No! I can't—I can't do that."

She turned to me and I could immediately see the anger in her expression. "I wasn't asking," she yelled. "This isn't an optional thing. You're going to do it. I'm not walking in the rain and I don't want her to suspect that I'm making you do this, so I'm not coming. If I find out that you didn't do it, I promise you I will be very angry. And you should know that I'm not pleasant when I'm angry. Right?"

"I figured you'd say something like that, so let me just show you why." She pulled a gun out from behind her. Lord fucking knows where she'd been keeping it. "You see this? It can be up against Bobby's head in a matter of seconds."

"Yes," I said quietly.

"Alright. Go." She waved me off. "Oh, yeah. You're dad doesn't know about this, so let's just keep it between us, okay?"

I rolled my eyes and started walking, trying to keep my mind off of what Billie's reaction would be. I felt like I was gonna throw up as I stood in front of Billie's door. I ran my hands through my dripping hair. I couldn't believe I was really having to do it. I rubbed the water off of my face, not knowing whether it was my tears or rain anymore. I exhaled slowly, looking down at the concrete. The front door opened and Billie stepped out.

"Mackenzie." She shut the door. "What are you doing? Are you okay?" Her hand raised my head so that I was looking at her.

I flinched and stepped away, looking down again and taking my bottom lip between my teeth to keep myself from crying again. "Billie."

The gun.

She put her hand on my cheek. "What happened to your eye? What's wrong, baby—"

"Billie." I grabbed her hand off of my cheek. "Please... just..." I tried to take a deep breath, but it turned into a sob and my hand flew up to my mouth.

"Mackenzie?" she questioned.

"Uhm." I cleared my throat and wiped what I was sure was a tear off of my face. "We have to break up."

"What? Why?"

"I just—I don't like you anymore." The words hurt to say. Her eyes glossed over.

"No." She stepped closer to me again.

"Billie." I shook my head, my thoughts spinning as tears blurred my vision.

"I don't believe you!" Her eyebrows furrowed and she licked her lips. "That's not true. Look at me in my eyes and tell me that you don't like me anymore."

"Billie, I can't." My voice cracked on the last word.

"Tell me what's going on, Mackenzie!" Her eyebrows knitted together and she motioned around with her hands.

"Billie!" I finally looked up at her. "Stop! We have to break up! My mom is dangerous and I'm not going to let her hurt you! So, just—" I covered my mouth, realizing what I just said. Hopefully she didn't think anything of it. I was supposed to make her think I didn't like her anymore.

She sniffed and licked her lips. "You're hurting me... Don't you see that?"

"I'm sor—"

"No! How are you gonna do this? After everything that I've done for you and helped you with, you're just going to break up with me so spontaneously? That's not fair, Mackenzie! I care so much about you. You're so, so important to me. And you're all of a sudden breaking up with me because you just—you just don't like me anymore?" She threw her hands up in the air in confusion. "How am I just suddenly so meaningless to you?" A tear rolled down her cheek.

I'd never seen Billie cry because she was upset. I'd only ever seen her cry because she was happy. It was usually when she was talking about how much she loved her fans, and how lucky she was to get to do what she did. It hurt to see her cry like that. It hurt to know that I hurt her. I wished I could tell her that she wasn't meaningless. She was the best person I had in my life, but it was too dangerous for her when we were together while my mom was around.

Sobs racked my body and my hands started shaking as I continued to apologize and she continued to yell at me. All I could think about was Billie hating me. Her name bounced around my head. The gun. My mom. Billie.

Billie.

I didn't want her to hate me.

My chest heaved and I could no longer tell what she was saying, a suffocating feeling coming over me. I was lightheaded and my heart was beating rapidly. I stumbled backwards a little, my knees feeling weak. Billie's arms wrapped around me and she rubbed my back, shushing me.

"I'm sorry, Billie. I'm so sorry," I whispered, standing up and backing away from her. "You just have to trust me. I'm moving. We're moving back to Oklahoma, so—so don't come by my house." I turned around and walked away. I wanted to hug her, and kiss her, and tell her that I love her, because I did. I really loved Billie. I didn't think that I could ever feel that way about anybody, but Billie was just... I don't know. I just loved her so much, and I hurt her. I basically told her that I didn't care about her anymore. I fastened my pace, fighting the urge to turn around and run back into her arms.

I wanted to tell her I was not going anywhere. I wanted to feel her arms wrap around me and tell me it'd be okay. I wanted her to hum and run her fingers through my hair like she did when I couldn't get to sleep. I wanted to be able to wake up with her next to me with The Office playing on the TV, and for that to all have been a stupid nightmare.

But instead, I continued walking home, no longer bothering to wipe the steady flow of tears running down my cheeks.

I walked through the front door. "Now that wasn't so bad, was it?" my mom asked.

I ignored her and continued towards my room. She laughed but I couldn't find any more anger or hatred to feel towards her. It was all there. I laid in my bed and closed my eyes. All I wanted to do was sleep.

I couldn't believe that my dad watched her choke me and punch me, and didn't do a single thing about it. He didn't try to pull her away. He didn't say anything. He did nothing.

I didn't want to think about what just happened or how I hurt Billie. I didn't want to think about the fact that I could quite possibly never see her beautiful face again in the flesh, nor that I was moving away.

I was gonna lose all of my friends and I was not gonna get to graduate with my friends, but of course, trying not to think about it, made me think about it.

-

I looked around at the boxes stacked around my room, instantly reminding me that I was moving. I laid back down and tried to go back to sleep, but I was quickly bothered by an annoying voice. "Mackenzie, mom said that you have to get up."

I walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My eyes were puffy and bloodshot. I didn' want to look at myself. I brushed my teeth and washed my face before going downstairs. For once, I was glad my mom always made me do a lot. I wanted to keep my mind off of what happened the previous night.