Insomnia // Billie Eilish

Chapter 27

My dad walked in and glanced around my room. He picked up a knocked over picture of my mom, Matt, Lilly, him, and me when we lived in Oklahoma. "You should take better care of your stuff, Cameron."

"I do," I said, pushing the picture frame back down to where the picture can't be seen. "That was on purpose. I told you that I don't want that."

"I already have a bunch of pictures like this, so you can have this one." He set the picture frame on my nightstand.

"I don't want that." I shook my head.

"Why? It has all of us in it. It's a nice memory."

"I don't want those memories, Dad. I don't want to wake up and look over to see a picture of somebody that didn't even like me. She doesn't even want to be here."

"She liked you," he replied quickly.

"No, she didn't. And as oblivious as you were to a lot of the stuff she did, you still saw enough... you still heard enough to know." I put the picture face down.

"But they're good memories, Cameron," he defended.

"No, they're not! She was terrible after Lilly died, and she's terrible now! I don't need this picture to have those memories when I'm basically reliving them right now! I don't want the stupid picture!" I threw it across the room and it slammed against the wall before falling to the ground, the glass shattering.

"Cameron—"

"Why'd you bring them back, dad?" I asked, playing with the hem of my shirt.

"I figured it'd be nice. Plus, Lilly's birthday is coming up. We can all celebrate together."

"Well, it's not nice," I mumbled. "I have to do some homework, so... can you just go?"

He sat there for a minute before nodding. "Yeah." He walked out and I laid down. I didn't have any homework, but I was tired of the conversation. My phone rang and I looked down at it. It was a FaceTime call from Billie. I answered it and start picking up the glass from the picture frame.

"What are you doing, baby?" she asked.

"Picking up some glass." I threw a handful in the trash.

"What happened?" I looked at her, pursing my lips and she tilted her head at me. "What'd you do?" I told her about the exchange that me and my dad had. "God damn, Mackenzie."

"I mean, I'm sorry, but I just don't understand why he thought that them getting back together was a good idea." I shrugged.

"Yeah, I get you." She scratched her forehead and I stared at the picture for a minute before throwing it in the trash, shaking my head.

"What are you doing?" I asked as I laid back down on my bed.

"Nothing. I just got back from an interview." She walked down the stairs and into her kitchen.

"Did it go well?"

"It was fine. Just the same questions I always get."

"Cameron," my mom yelled. "I thought I told you to do these dishes!"

I ran down the stairs, holding onto the rail as my socks slid against the wood. "Sorry. I forgot."

"It's 'cause you're always on that damn phone," she said. "Give it to me. You can have it back later."

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I was not gonna complain. I was not gonna complain. I was not. Going. To. Complain. I still wanted to be able to talk to Billie, so I was not going to complain. "I gotta go, Billie. I'll talk to you later."

"Okay. Bye." I hung up and handed her my phone.

-

I swam away as Billie chased me with a beetle. "Billie!" I splashed her, hoping to slow her down. "I swear to God!" She continued to chase me until I was in a corner. "Wait! Before you throw it on me!"

"What?" She grinned, mischievously.

I racked my brain to think of something I could use as leverage. "If you throw it on me, then I promise I won't kiss you again at all tonight," I warned.

She gasped silently and threw the beetle out of the pool. "Okay. I'm sorry." I pushed off of the wall, lunging towards her. She screamed and started swimming away. "I'm sorry! Stop you have that scary expression on—the one you always have on during soccer games."

She stopped once she was in the shallow end and turned to look at me. I grunted, shaking my head. "You are so annoying." I couldn't stay mad at her and it was so annoying.

"This is what you agreed to when you started dating me." She shrugged and pulled me in by my waist, pressing her body up against mine. I rolled my eyes and kissed her. She bit my bottom lip and then slid her tongue over it. I opened my mouth and she slipped her tongue in. Her hand slid into my hair. We were both too caught up in the moment to notice the rain that started pouring.

The sky flashed white and thunder rumbled. I threw my arms around her and squeezed my eyes shut. "Billie!"

Matt looked at me confusedly. "I saw her running outside... but she's not... in the cellar."

My hands started shaking, a steady flow of tears running down my cheeks. Flashbacks took over my thoughts as I struggled to catch my breath. My legs felt like jelly and Billie was all that was holding me up. My chest heaved. I tried to focus my vision, but between my tears and light head, there was no point.

Billie shushed me and rocked us side to side. "It's okay, baby," she whispered. "Let's go inside." She grabbed a towel and wrapped it around me before leading me inside. My breath hitched every once and a while—as it typically did when I'd been crying a lot. She shut the door and turned her attention back to me. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." I furrowed my eyebrows and shook my head slightly, biting my lip. "Sorry."

"For what, baby?"

"I don't know. For making a big deal out of this. Maybe I'm being dramatic."

She sighed. "Baby," she said, her voice full of sympathy. "You have every right to be upset. Something very bad happened, and trying to suppress your feelings isn't going to help anything. You are allowed to be as sad as you want. You do not have to apologize, okay?" She cupped my cheeks and her lips brushed against mine as she talked. "I will always be here for you. Always."

I sniffed. "Okay." The door swung open and Finneas and Claudia walked in, talking about something.

They stopped talking and looked at us. I quickly wiped my face, my cheeks burning. I hoped that it wasn't noticeable that I was crying. "Is everything okay," Finneas asked.

"Yeah," Billie replied, interlocking our fingers. Her thumb rubbed the back of my hand.

"What's wrong?" Claudia walked over, looking rather concerned. I turned to Billie, not knowing what to say. The lights flickered before going out completely. Thunder cracked in the distance and I jumped.

Another wave of thunder rolled through and the light from lightning bursting through the windows was the only light source. The sound of rain patting hard on the roof rang throughout the house. "Cameron, what are you doing," Matt yelled. "Go get in the cellar!"

Billie squeezed my hand and pulled me into a hug. "It's okay. It's just a storm. That's all. Nothing worse." I took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "You're gonna be fine."

Finneas tilted his head as he wandered over. "Is she okay? I have never seen anybody so afraid of storms." I felt my cheeks heat up at his words. Was I being overdramatic?

"Finneas!" She flung a hand out. "Just... shut up."

-

Billie traced shapes on my back and kissed my head as we laid there in her bed. I sighed and pulled my legs up to my chest, glancing up at her. "Her birthday's coming up," I said quietly, playing with the strings of the hoodie that she was wearing. "My dad was talking about celebrating, but I don't understand why. We didn't celebrate last year, so why would we this year? It just feels weird."

"Yeah, I understand."