Insomnia // Billie Eilish

Chapter 56

T/W SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

I glance at the digital clock on my nightstand. It's almost five in the morning. My eyelids feel heavy, but I can't get to sleep. I can't stop thinking about Billie.

She should be here. With me. In my arms.

An overwhelming sense of emptiness passes over me, only worsening my nausea. She shouldn't be with him. She should be with me. Right here in our home. In our bed. She hasn't come to get Shark which leaves me with a sliver of hope.

It's been fifteen days, and I haven't tried talking to her and she hasn't tried talking to me. I've lost most hope for it. Maybe she really did go to Michael. Of course, I didn't mean what I said, but she might not have known that. Or maybe she just didn't care. God, I shouldn't have been such a bitch.

There's also the idea that I was right and she was just messing around with me. I mean, Finneas tried to tell me.

My eyes blur over and sting as a familiar lump forms in my throat. I sigh and wipe my watery eyes. "Damnit."

I'm obviously not getting any sleep tonight, so I need coffee. Making my way to the kitchen, I start a pot of coffee and sit at the kitchen table. The coffee dripping into the pot and the soft sound of Billie's soft voice playing through my speaker is the only noise filling my all too quiet kitchen. Our all too quiet kitchen. I skip the song, and yet another one of her songs comes on. I click the skip button again and a song by Lewis Capaldi comes on.

I roll my eyes and make a cup of coffee before walking outside to the front porch. It's still pretty dim outside. The sky is a dark sapphire blue. I finish my coffee and sigh. I wanna go on a walk. I put my cup down and start walking. At some point, it turns into a run.

My eyes blur over and I grit my teeth, angry at myself for constantly getting upset. I cross the street and a run turns to a sprint very quickly when headlights suddenly shine on me. I turn around for one second to glance back at the car and suddenly I'm falling. My forehead hits the concrete curb and I groan. A car door opens and shuts.

I struggle to lift myself back up off of the ground. I'm a little dizzy. I stumble back a bit.

"Are you okay?" I turn around to see Claudia, running over to me. What is she doing out this early?

"I-I'm fine. Thank you." I get ready to start running again.

"Hey! Mackenzie! Wait a second."

I stop and she continues talking. "You didn't talk to Billie," she states knowingly. "Why?"

"I-I don't know. I just... I'm scared of the explanation she'll give me."

"What do you mean," she asks.

I sigh, stuffing my hands into my pockets. "I'm scared that she's gonna tell me that I'm just not right for her. Or—or she's gonna tell me that I deserve better as to not make me feel bad, and then break up with me. I'm scared that she's going to end it. Officially." I run my fingers through my hair and start walking again, glancing back at Claudia one last time. "I'm sorry. I just need to go."

I walk away and soon enough, I'm at a bridge.

I lean against the rail, trying to catch my breath. My mind is racing as well as my heart. A drop of something slides down my forehead. I wipe my forehead with the back of my hand and inhale sharply through my teeth, examining my hand. It was blood. I guess my forehead got scraped up. It's fine.

Everything that went down with Billie is so confusing. Everything happened so fast. One minute, I was sitting on the couch in our new house, and the next minute, Billie and I were screaming at each other.