Insomnia // Billie Eilish

Chapter 45

T/W SELF-HARM

I bury my face in my pillow as I cry. I don't know what to do without Billie here. Everything feels so much harder now that I don't have Billie. We still FaceTime a lot, but it's not the same as having her here. I'm always at home alone now that Matt's been going out of town with my dad, and on top of that, he's been taking Brian too.

Bryant and Olivia are back at school, and they've held no mercy since I got them in trouble and they both got kicked off of their sports team.

I walk into the bathroom and flip the light on, looking in the mirror. I look terrible. I feel exhausted, but I can't sleep. I tap my finger on the sink, biting my lip as I think. I open the drawer and look through it for a new box of toothpaste. Something sharp cuts my finger. "Damnit." I examine my finger and then look for what cut it. A razor blade. I pick it up and hold the small piece of metal in between my fingers.

Before I allow myself to think too much into it, I slide the cold blade across my arm over and over. My eyes blur with tears and I drop the blade, putting my head in my hands. Blood trickles down my arm. Why did I do that?

-

I head straight for Ms. Roberts office, already knowing that I'll end up there anyways. I have to go to her office every Monday and Thursday. "Hello, Mackenzie," she greets me as I plop down on the chair, wincing as my arm hits the armrest.

"You okay," she asks, scooting her chair in.

"Yeah. I'm perfectly fine."

She tilts her head at me and studies my face. "You look tired."

"I am tired."

"Have you been getting an adequate amount of sleep?"

I shake my head. "No."

"Okay, well then what's been keeping you up," she asks.

"Well, I've always had trouble sleeping, but it's been worse since my girlfriend's been gone." I chew on the inside of my lip.

"Why has it been worse since then?"

"I don't know." I shrug. "She just makes everything better."

"How long has she been gone now?"

"Almost three weeks."

-

"This is so boring." Kempley rolls over and rubs her face.

"I know, but we need to study." I laugh. "We have exams coming up on Monday."

She huffs. "Okay, but can we just take a small break."

I roll my eyes, giving in. "Fine."

"Yes!" She sits up and grabs her phone. After a minute or two, she stands up. "I need to go to the bathroom."

"Okay. You knew where it is." I start scrolling through Instagram.

"Mackenzie Cameron Jones, come here," Kempley yells from the bathroom. I walk into the bathroom and she turns to me, holding the razor blade from this morning. "What were you doing with this?"

I glance at the blade and then back at her. I try not to panic, as Kempley knows that I've self-harmed in the past. "I was looking for toothpaste and I had to pull some stuff out of the drawer. I guess I pulled that out by accident and didn't notice."

"Wrist." She holds out her hand, waiting for me to show her my arm.

"I don't have to show you anything. I just told you what happened. Leave me alone." I turn around and start walking back to my room.

"Mackenzie." She grabs my arm and pulls my sleeve up, revealing the cuts from this morning. She looks at me, worriedly.

"What?" I raise my eyebrows. "It was my cat."

"You don't have a cat," she points out. I sit on the bed. "You seemed so genuinely happy for a while. I thought you were past this. Why are you cutting again?"

"I'm sorry, but it's just hard! I don't even know what's going on anymore! I can't... I-I can't even hardly drag myself out of bed in the morning anymore. I feel so lost and alone. Billie still talks to me, but it's just not the same. And it's less and less every day. I feel like I'm falling apart and I don't know what to do about it, Kempley!" Tears prick at my eyes and I finally look at her. "All I can think about is her, but—but what if she doesn't think about me. I'm scared. I'm scared that she's going to forget about me." She hugs me as I cry. "I don't know what to do."

"It's gonna be okay," she says, softly. "She's not going to forget about you. How could she?"