Insomnia // Billie Eilish

Chapter 36

I walked into my art class and sat in front of Tayler, putting my head in my hands. "Hey, Mack."

"Hey." I grimaced at my voice and cleared my throat.

"Are you okay? You look tired."

"Yeah." I nodded. "It was a long weekend."

"Oh. Is everything okay?"

I twisted my pencil in my hand and scrunched up my nose in an attempt to hide how upset I was. "Yeah... me and Billie broke up."

"Really?" She shook her head. "Y'know, she's stupid for breaking up with you."

"I broke up with her."

"Oh, my bad." She doodled on the paper in front of her.

"You're good."

"So, if you broke up with her, why are you so upset about it?" she asked.

"Because I didn't want to—" I stopped myself before I said something that I shouldn't. I didn't want her to know about my mom. "I didn't want to hurt her."

"Oh."

-

I turned around and let out a breath, frustratedly. "I swear to fucking God, Olivia. Leave me the hell alone!"

She leaned towards me and looked around before popping back up, jerking her head to the left. "What the fuck are you staring at?" she asked. The dude stuttered for a second before going back to his work. She leaned back down and lowered her voice to a whisper. "You better watch how you talk to me. I'm not afraid to tell everybody exactly what goes on at home."

I sighed and turned around, glancing at her paper for a second before turning my attention to her face. "I really hope that one day you fucking choke on all the shit you talk, bitch." I looked her up and down before finally meeting her eyes. "I couldn't care less about what you do."

She opened her mouth and then shut it, clearly shocked by my reaction. I shook my head and laughed angrily before turning back around.

-

"What's wrong, M?" Kempley asked as we made our way down to the field.

"Nothing."

"I find that hard to believe. You're already making that really scary face that you always make when you're playing soccer," she pointed out. I clenched my jaw and dug my nails into my hand. My mood kept switching between angry and sad. It was extremely frustrating. This time, I was angry.

"We're doing 1v1 today. Give me one line on both sides of the field." We lined up and I was first. I looked across the field to see who I was up against. It was Rocky.

Coach Jones looked between us before kicking the ball more towards Rocky since I was faster. I sprinted over and she already had the ball. I grunted, pushing her with my body much more aggressively than intended. She fell and—as much as I would've loved to apologize and make sure she was okay, apologies are not okay in soccer. You were supposed to be aggressive. I shot and scored.

"Come here, Jones," Coach Jones stared at me with his hands on his hips. I didn't understand why they called me by my last name. It got a little confusing since my last name was Jones and so was his.

I jogged over, slightly out of breath. Rocky was fine. "Hm?"

"What's going on?" he asked.

"What? Nothing. Nothing's going on. What do you mean?"

"I mean you just sent Rocky flying." He raised his eyebrows. I didn't know what to say, so I just kind of stared at him. "Why don't you take a few laps and calm down before you hurt somebody. This is your team. You don't need to be that aggressive with them, okay?"

I sighed and nodded. "Okay."

-

I set my backpack down and laid in bed, pulling my phone out. I got on Instagram, but quickly got off. I kept seeing stuff about Billie and I was trying to keep my mind off of it. I wondered how she was doing. I had the urge to text Finneas or Claudia and ask. And then it hit me. They probably fucking hated me after that.

I tapped the side of my phone before deciding that I should text Claudia.

After typing out many texts and deleting them, I decide to just get straight to the point.

me: is billie okay?

claudia: she's been fine. i don't know if she's bottling up her emotions or if she's actually okay but she's been acting like herself.

Oh. Maybe I was being dramatic about the whole thing. Maybe I overestimated how much Billie liked me. I really, really missed her. The only thing that was keeping me from telling her the truth is the fact that my mom threatened her life.

I didn't care how much I missed Billie. I would never put her life in danger. Maybe I shouldn't have ever dated Billie. It didn't seem like she really cared that much. I got too attached and I wasn't even that important to her.

I was almost glad that I was moving.

A fresh start could be what I needed. Moving away had its perks. There was no Olivia in Oklahoma. I wouldn't get to graduate with my friends, but I'd get to forget about a lot of the bad stuff that happened there.

The only thing was that I knew it was probably over forever for Billie and I, but being that far away from here just made it much more real. Once I was gone, I was gone. I had five more days until I moved, and I was gonna spend them cleaning and packing as much as I could to keep Billie off of my mind.

Maybe I was being selfish and I should've been spending time with my friends before I left, but I honestly wouldn't be any fun to be around.