Insomnia // Billie Eilish

Chapter 35

This chapter is going to be in Billie's point of view.

Finneas brought his hands up to his temples and let out a sigh of frustration. "Billie," he shouted and I jumped a little. "I'm sorry that Mackenzie broke up with you—I am, but you have to stop! You trying to convince yourself that she still likes you and didn't want to break up with you or whatever, is unhealthy! You're just going to hurt yourself more."

"Fin," Claudia held out her hand in front of him to make him stop.

My vision got blurry as I teared up and I bit my bottom lip, nodding as I walked out of his old bedroom. Claudia grabbed my arm. "Billie."

I just kept walking until I got outside. I stared at the shimmery pool water as it reflected the sun.

I splashed Mackenzie and then ran away until I got to where I had to swim. I stuck my tongue out at her, tauntingly and started swimming away. She chased after me until I was backed into a corner in the shallow end. She put her arms on the wall on either side of me. "Haha. You have nowhere to go."

I tried to go the right and she moved that way, so I tried to go to the left and she blocked me again. She shook her head. "Give up, Eilish." I laughed at her silliness. "You have nowhere to run."

"Yeah. You're right." I put my hands under her shirt and placed them on her waist. "But I could always just do this."

I tickled her and she shouted. "Ahh!" She laughed. "You're such a brat."

"So are you."

I ran my hands through my hair grabbing a fist of it, exasperatedly. I was fine. It was okay. I was not gonna cry about somebody who didn't think I was good enough. Finneas was right. It was not healthy to try to convince myself that she lied. I found my way back inside and sat on a stool.

Mom walked up behind me and wrapped their arms around my shoulders, pressing a kiss to the top of my head. "Hey, Billie."

I looked up at her and smiled. "Hey."

"I was just about to cut up some watermelon." She opened a drawer. "Want some?"

I smiled. "Well, you're about to like me a lot more." I grabbed the bowl and took the top off. It had watermelon it.

She gasped, taking the bowl from me. "You're my favorite person."

I frowned. "I wasn't before?"

"You were," She said, grabbing a piece of the watermelon. "You're even more my favorite person now though."

"Billie?" My mom waved her hand in my face.

"Sorry." I shook my head. "I don't want any."

"That's okay," she smiled and started cutting the watermelon. I got up, walking to my room, but stopped at the door to Finneas' old room when I heard him and Claudia laughing. Tears pricked at my eyes and my throat started to burn. It was crazy how everybody could act so normal when it felt like my entire world was falling apart. I went into my room and looked around. I picked a T-shirt up off of the floor and stared at it.

"Just do it." I sighed heavily.

"Why? I'm in a comfortable spot."

"I can find you an even more comfortable spot. Now come on!" I laughed.

"Oh my God. Okay, fine."

I held my shirt up and she got inside of it with me.

"Alright. Hold on," I said. She wrapped her arms around my waist and stood on my feet.

"What was the point of this, Bil?"

"Now we are one," I shouted with a weird accent. I started wobbling around and then fell onto the bed, Mackenzie landing on top of me. We both laughed for a minute. "See, I told you I'd find you an even more comfortable spot."

She pressed a kiss to my collarbone. "Yeah. It also has a hell of a view, so..."

I gasped. "Mackenzie Cameron Jones!" I was quiet for a moment before I spoke again. "You know what I think?"

"Hm?"

"It's just extremely uncomfortable sleeping with multiple layers on, so you should probably take this off." I tugged at her shirt.

"But, Billie, you sleep in—"

"Shh!" I pulled her shirt off and laid back down, tracing small circles on her back. Her skin was soft and warm on mine. I wrapped my legs around her and rested my chin on her head.

I found myself hugging the shirt, but once I realize it my eyebrows knitted together and I threw it into the hallway before slamming the door. I was gonna hurt myself more.

I fell onto my bed and tried to focus on not remembering all of the nights Mackenzie and I stayed up until the early hours of the morning, watching The Office. Or when we had our first kiss in this spot, but obviously trying not to think about it just made me think about it.

She nodded. "Yep. Like, just fucking kiss me already. God damn," she joked.

"I mean, I just..." I sighed and twisted one of my rings, not making eye contact with her. "You told me you've never kissed anyone before—well, besides your brother and that was more him kissing you. It doesn't count. That means that if I kissed you, it'd be your first kiss, and I just feel like I'm not good enough for that. You know? I feel like you deserve somebody better—somebody else... to share that moment with."

She put a hand under my chin and tilted my head up. "Shut up, Billie. You're perfect. I don't want anybody else." I smiled, placing my hand on her jaw and gently rubbing my thumb over her cheek. I sat up a little and connected our lips. She put her left hand on my waist and kissed back. The feeling of her lips on mine made me ecstatic. I'd wanted to kiss her for so long. Our lips moved in perfect sync and after a minute, we pulled away. "Whoa," She said breathily. I laughed. She was so pretty.

I wiped my face as tears ran down my cheeks. I'd never felt so lonely. Mackenzie was my girlfriend and I really, really liked her, but she wasn't just my girlfriend. She was also my best friend. I spent all of my free time with her and I texted her all the time. I was a mess without her and I couldn't just forget about her. Everything reminded me of her. I just wanted to sleep. I couldn't even bring myself to eat that day. I felt extremely nauseous.

I grunted and stood up, yanking all of the blankets away from me. I angrily threw everything off of my nightstand and stood on it, ripping the Louis Vuitton blanket off of my wall to reveal a bunch of writing. I grabbed the first writing utensil I saw and got to work.