Dried Ink

39

Karima

I was no where near excited for today. And it was my wedding day. It's supposed to be the happiest day of my life, but why am I feeling like I've lost something instead of gaining it?

Unlike my first wedding, the room wasn't filled with tons of cousins and friends.

Only Mufida and Muflihah were here and both were on their phone. Even Amatullah said her co-wife was in the hospital so she couldn't make it but she promised to come visit after the wedding. We'd both be staying in Abuja after all.

Lara and I haven't spoken since I called our friendship off. I wasn't even sure she was coming today. I miss her with everything.

My makeup artist was done and I stepped into a sky blue dress-courtesy of Mujahid, and stared at myself in the mirror. I had initially wanted a white dress but he insisted I wore the same thing on my first wedding so I can't wear it again.

Mufida and Muflihah made cat calls as the makeup artist helped me style my scarf. I looked into the mirror again, anyone who saw me would think I was forced into the marriage.

They were at the mosque now and I suddenly felt like not going through with it anymore. When I told Mufida what I felt the previous day, she insisted I was just nervous and I had the wedding jitters. That's just it again right?

My mind was all over the place. Both of my brothers had asked me if I was really ready to do this again and when I answered in affirmative, the both hugged me and prayed for me. Uncle Khalifa remained indifferent though. He was neither happy nor sad, he was just neutral. He even said his goodbyes to me this morning, saying his flight was for immediately after the wedding fatiha . He promised he'd come check up on me whenever he visited.

The photographer came up to our room and took multiple shots of me and my sisters, Mama and her guests also came to take pictures of and with me. Anty Maryam was also here and when everyone went downstairs, she stayed back to talk to me.

"I'm so proud of you my dear" she hugged me.

I couldn't help but feel tears in my eyes.
"But why do I feel like I'm making the wrong decision?" I asked

She smiled sadly at me.
"I don't know K, you had a lot of time to think and there's only one way to find out. As long as you prayed istikhara and your mind is at rest, I think everything will turn out fine. After all, The most high helped you in making a decision" she lectured.

I stared at her blankly.

She shook her head in negation. "Don't tell me you didn't" she stated.

All of the sudden, all the hurt I've felt for the past few weeks came forward and all I could do is cry. Anty Maryam hugged me tight.

"Shhh my dear, its going to be fine" she cooed.

"No it's not. I was too eager to be happy, too desperate to be married, too desperate to block Anas out that I forgot that everything happens by Allah's will. Anty Maryam, what have I done?"

"Kreem, it will be fine. Every thing will be fine if Allah wills" she said.

I couldn't hear what she was saying anymore, she was gradually fading away. Mama's presence in the room made things worse.

She had the same gloomy face as she did when she came to tell me Anas had an accident.

I shook my head in negation.
"No! Mama not him too" I cried. I didn't care about my makeup anymore as I rubbed my eyes. I felt one of the lashes fall.

"My dear, everything happens as Allah pleases........" Mama started.

"He's dead too right?" I asked