Zombie Diary

Day 382

31 December 2018
Monday

I can officially say that 2018 has been the worst year of my life. There is no way 2019 can get any worse. What is it going to do? Kill me? Think I might almost prefer that at this point. Almost. Don't worry I'm not gonna...I'm not going to do what Lolly did. It would be the most selfish thing I could do to the others. I understand why Lolly did it but it doesn't make it any less selfish. I miss her. She had the deepest forest green eyes I had ever seen. Olly's are more of an Emerald green in comparison to hers. Even her blonde hair was a unique shade, it wasn't dirty blonde, it wasn't bleach blonde it was almost like a pearl blonde. I tried not to notice when I was in the pit, who's face was whose which was easy enough considering I was so out of it. But the unmistakable pearl blonde hair I saw was chilling. It was knotted and muddy and there was dried blood covering a good portion. But I could still see the blonde from the top of her head. I hadn't put the pieces together that it was her until the s'morning. I had a bad dream about her last night. I dreamt that I was back in the pit and she was there, her skin had started to rot away and her bones were visible in her arm. Her face had a hole in the side of her cheek and she was covered in both her own blood and the blood of other zom-noms. At first she acted like how she use too before all of this happened, she was happy to see me and was making jokes. Then she quickly turned and started blaming me for her death. She told me if I hadn't of let Stefan and then others die, she wouldn't have felt like she needed to kill herself to get away from this nightmare we live in. At first I told her she was wrong and that she could have come to me and chose not to; but I knew that it wasn't quite true. She could have and didn't, but she was also right...I let them die. I thought maybe if I could blame everything on the shitty world we were in then maybe I would be able to get over it. And Nate might forgive me for letting it happen and may not blame me like Olly. However at the end of the day, it is still my fault. I should have done better. And I didn't.

But I won't let it happen again. This time...I'll keep the others safe. Jessica, Nathan and Oliver. We will all get through this. I'll make sure. I guess that's my New Year's resolution. Happy New Year's.