Our Love

*FORTY-SIX*

(Kit's POV)

I'm in my bed and it's morning. I just haven't felt the urge to leave my room. I've been ignoring Ming since I found out I was pregnant and I just didn't want to see him especially after what happened yesterday.

I rolled over and just felt numb. I hated myself. I never felt this type of hate before. Ming is such a great guy and he definitely deserved better than me. I'm sure he's worried about why i haven't been around but he hasn't tried to push me to talk.

When I told him I needed my space I could see the hurt in his eyes but he knew not to question me further because we had talked about our boundaries in this relationship.

I told myself that he didn't have to know. I mean it's my body and yes he was the father but this should be my choice. It was easier to keep this to myself because I knew from the beginning what I wanted to do.

The only reason I told my cousin about my pregnancy was because I needed a ride home or else they wouldn't do the procedure. When i told him i wanted an abortion he didn't judge me or try to change my mind. I knew he felt some type of way because he held his stomach.

He probably imagined how he couldn't have done it. He probably thought about the arrival of his twins and Phana and Wayo's baby. I knew I couldn't ask Phana because surely he would have told Wayo who I know would have told Ming. If I had asked Forth he would have tried to stop me and told Ming.

I felt tears run down my face and I heard a familiar voice. Beam had finally got back from the store. He stayed the night after seeing what a wreck I was yesterday.

"Hey......I made you some breakfast" He said while opening my door.

I didn't response to him, instead i just rolled over.

"Please you need to eat something" he whispered

More and more tears came pouring out of my eyes. "I can't.....I hate myself"

"Don't say that" he said while rubbing my back

"How can I not. I'm a terrible human being. Ming deserves better than me" I said while sobbing in his arms.

"P'Kit.....stop crying.....you need to forgive yourself"

"I can't......" I cried

"But P'Kit you have you"

"How? I still have to tell Ming. He's going to hate me"

"He won't hate you"

"Yes he will. How else will he respond when I say Hey remember how I've been sick. Turns out i was just pregnant and I scheduled and abortion behind your back"

Beam was silent.

"Like how can I tell him that I used my selfish reasons as an excuse to kill our baby?" I yelled

"But Kit.......you didn't even go through with it"

"I know I didn't. But the fact is that I wanted to do it. If Dr. Earth didn't use the ultrasound machine for guidance, If I hadn't seen my child move on screen. If I hadn't told him to stop before he began, I would have gone through with it. I hate myself because I almost killed my baby......My freaking baby."

"Kit stop!" Beam yelled. "I understand that you feel guilty. But stop. You still have your baby. Your baby is alive. Yeah you wanted an abortion but you stopped yourself. Your instincts kicked in and you protected your baby. Now stop sulking and eat your damn breakfast. You need to eat because your baby needs to eat"

"Okay.....but did you have to yell at me.....I pregnant and emotional" I whimpered

"Please don't go there. I am pregnant too. I'm 22 weeks with two kids that like to either stomp on my bladder or make me feel sick to my stomach. Wayo is 34 weeks and at this point that guy is a blubbering mess with his emotions. Now hurry and eat so we can go. I promised Forth that we'd be over for lunch"

After my cousin left the room I devoured my breakfast and started to get dressed. When I passed by my mirror I stopped. I lifted my shirt and examined my stomach. I'm only 8 weeks now so I wasn't showing yet. The thought of seeing my baby grow excited me. I still feel guilty for wanted to have and abortion but Beam was right. I needed to forgive myself. My baby is still here. I changed my mind.