how to catch feelings

21

I laid down on the couch and let out a pterodactyl scream.

Meg and Damaris glanced up from their studying.

Not good enough.

I screamed again.

Meg popped her earbuds out. "Alright. What's up, Nat?"

"Nothing."

"Oh, please."

"Fine. He hasn't texted me."

"Cole?"

"Yah."

"Then why don't you text him?"

I stared at her.

Me? Text him? And come off as needy and annoying and maybe a little too interested? No. I wasn't going to make it weird. No, no, no.

"Home slice. Either text him or keep waiting for him to text. Those are your two options."

"Or option three: die."

"You're not allowed to die."

"Why not?"

"Because I said so."

"Fine." I picked up my phone, unlocked it, and then put it back down again. "Am I just crazy? Am I absolutely crazy? Am I overthinking this? Am I reading too much into this?"

"You're not crazy. But yes, you're definitely overthinking it."

"Yeah. He's probably just busy. You can text him, if it makes you feel better."

"I don't want to be annoying," I said.

"He's not going to think you're annoying for wanting to check in with him."

"I just... I feel stupid. Crazy and stupid. Like I stupidly got my hopes up, like I really thought something was going to happen. Like this year was going to be different."

"You're not stupid."

"That's your opinion."

They exchanged a look.

"Like Damaris said, you can text him. It's okay to be the first one to text."

"I dunno." I picked at the skin on my lip for a minute. "What if it was something I said? What if I weirded him out? What if he thought that I liked him and he got weirded out and is avoiding me?"

"You know, I could be mistaken, but I feel like if he gave you his phone number, he probably likes you."

"As a friend."

"Whatever. He still gave you his number. He wouldn't have given you his number if he didn't want to talk to you. Especially nowadays, when you can just Snapchat or Facebook message everyone."

"Meg's right. And I really don't think he's avoiding you."

"I dunno." I peeled off too big a piece and winced. That was gonna burn like hell the next time I had potato chips.

"So are you going to text him?"

"I dunno. Maybe later."

"Whatever floats your boat."

Everything they'd said made sense, I knew it did, but I couldn't help the anxiety building inside me. It was an infection of the brain, really, festering in the back of my mind, slowly consuming all my thoughts.

Did he actually like me? You know, like-like?

Or was I reading too much into it?

Was this just the universe's way of quietly pulling me back into the friendzone?

It was like last summer all over again. Getting ahead of myself, falling heads over heels for a boy, only to find out he still, at best, only sees me as a friend.

And then someone to keep at a distance.

Yeah, so I wouldn't be saying anything to him. Not about this.

I could only hope I hadn't already made things noticeably weird.

***

My phone buzzed beside me on the bed.

I glanced over at it – Tik Tok notification.

I didn't know if the settings had gotten screwed up or if the app had updated itself, but it was no longer telling me who exactly sent the message. It was extremely irritating to go into the app, blindly hoping it would be Cole, only to see it was a Tik Tok from Meg or – worst of all – just some stupid recommendation from the app.

I didn't want any flipping video recommendations.

I wanted Cole to send me a stupid video of a cat, or of a chicken, or really anything. It didn't even have to be funny or make any sense to me.

I just wanted something.

Human contact, I guess. A conversation.

Was that too much to ask for? Someone to talk to?

Apparently it was.

Big sad.

Well, curiosity killed the cat, so I opened the app and went to my DMs to be disappointed again.

Yup. Disappointment.

I had to be out of my mind to be wanting more than anything to not mess up our friendship, to just stay good friends and have everything be good and safe and comfortable as it has been, but at the same time wanting to be something more.

Absolutely out of my gosh-darn mind.

Leave me alone about my pathetic swearing.

Maybe the girls were right.

Maybe I should text him

No.

I don't know.

He'd send a short response to a Tik Tok. That'd be safe.

That'd at least confirm he was alive.

But was he okay?

That required a different angle. A text, a straight up "how are you?"

I didn't know if that was totally warranted.

I wouldn't have asked a year ago. If I wanted to seem normal, shouldn't I not ask?

I was overthinking. Again. So overthinking.

If I asked how he was doing, wouldn't that seem too out of the blue?

Would he be suspicious?

Weirded out?

Thinking I was thinking about him?

That could go either way, good or bad.

I wasn't sure I wanted that.

Maybe I could send a Tik Tok, see if he responds, and then, you know, casually slip it in there, a little "how's it going?"

It didn't matter what that Buzzfeed quiz said. I had absolutely no chill.

None whatsoever.

Just zip.

Zero.

Nada.

*** ***