how to catch feelings

76

As soon as I finished editing the police briefs, I grabbed my phone and opened Messenger.

I sent Cole a picture of the substances brief. "You know anything about this?" I asked.

His typing bubble came up, sat there teasing me for a good thirty seconds. "No, but I'm not surprised."

"So it had something to do with the baseball team."

"Can't say for sure, but probably."

"Someone else in trouble?"

"Guess so."

"Any idea who?"

"I mean, I know a couple guys were on thin ice last semester, but I'm not sure if this was because of grades or getting caught doing something they weren't supposed to be doing."

I waited, unsure if he would go on or not.

"Fuck. Yeah, I have a couple ideas. Can we talk in person? I'd rather not put this in writing. Or typing. Or whatever. You know what I mean."

"Of course. Yeah."

Being that it was a Friday night, our options were limited. All dining options but the pizza place and the cafeteria were closed, as were the library and the gym.

"We could meet at the office," I said.

"Okay. Great. Yeah. Meet you in ten?"

"Make it fifteen."

"Gotcha. Esketit."

"Yeeee." I tossed my phone aside so I could spend the next few minutes running around like a chicken with its head chopped off. You know, needed to pee, make sure my hair and clothing didn't make me look like I got spit up by a tornado, gather my water bottle and a couple snacks in case we ended up being there a while.

I threw on my coat and hurried downstairs to jump into my Sperry boots.

"Where are you off to?" Meg asked, taking off her headphones.

Damaris had gone home for the weekend to hang out with her boyfriend.

"Office. Newspaper stuff."

"Ah. Have fun."

"Oh yeah. I'll be back in a bit."

"Okay."

"You gonna be good?" I always felt bad leaving her by herself.

"Yeah. I'm watching Hamilton. I'm good, home slice."

"Alright. Text me if you need anything."

"Sure thing."

I hustled out the door and promptly almost wiped out on the ice.

"Fricking winter," I muttered, regaining my balance and continuing on my way.

Well, until I slipped another three times.

Really love winter. My favorite season.

***

I have two modes: either I beat the person(s) I'm meeting by a ridiculous amount of time because I'm anxious and walk way faster than necessary, or I'm super late because I'm a mess of a human being and wait until the last second to do fifteen things.

Today was an example of the second mode.

Point is, I can never, ever be on time. Ever.

"I was starting to think you got lost," Cole said.

I grimaced and typed in the passcode for the office. "Not far from the truth."

He laughed. "Got beer in there?" He gestured to my string bag.

"Nah. Snacks. But there's wine in the fridge if you want some."

"I'll pass. But thanks."

"Sure."

Cole glanced around the office as people usually do, seemingly impressed that such an underwhelming space gives life to the university paper. "So this is where you spend half your time."

"Yup. Home sweet home."

That prompted another laugh from him.

Holy frick, I loved his laugh.

Okay, Nat, take a chill pill. Seriously.

I dumped my bag in my desk chair and then collapsed in one of the armchairs.

He hesitated but then sat in the other armchair.

"So the baseball team." I took a drink of my water.

"Right. Yeah. Okay, so don't get mad at me for saying this. It's not just an unfounded claim. But I think it might be Jared."

"Jared had the coke?"

"I think so."

Maybe I would've been mad last semester, but at this point in time I didn't really care. I hadn't spoken to Jared since October anyway. "Any idea how that happened?"

He shrugged. "Can't say anything for certain. It's just a gut feeling, based off a couple things I heard."

"Like what?"

"You know. Just mutters in the locker room. The other guys saying something about Coach wanting to talk to him."

"I'm just playing devil's advocate, but could that have been something to do with the fight y'all had?"

"I thought that at first too, but then why wouldn't Coach have talked to both of us? If I'm being honest, I'm the one who started it. Doesn't make sense that only Jared would get chewed out."

"I guess not."

"But yeah. I dunno. I just got the feeling toward the end of the semester that Coach was getting fed up with Jared. I could be mistaken."

"Do you think he'd answer if I texted him?" I asked.

Cole didn't respond.

Yeah, that probably wasn't the best thing to ask him. "Never mind. Kat suggested I go talk to Harding again anyway. Not that he's gonna be much help."

"Probably not."

I chewed on my lip for a moment. This whole mess would've been a lot easier if Kat was here to deal with it. I wasn't equipped to handle this kind of scandal. I didn't have the motivation or the talent or the resources to tackle such a big story.

"You good?" Cole asked.

For God's sake, Nat, do not tear up or I will murder you.

I blinked a few times. "Yeah. I'm good. Just... you know. A little at a loss as to what to do next. I'm not good at this kind of thing."

"You do a good job of pretending, then. You've got everyone fooled. Me included."

"You're just saying that."

"I'm not. People around here think you know your shit."

"If you say so."

"I mean it. People read the paper. They talk about it. You can't tell me you haven't had people approach you to talk about it."

"I guess."

"All I'm saying is you don't have to know everything. You don't have to understand everything. No one does. Just keep doing what you're doing and it will all work out."

"Maybe."

"It will."

"Okay."

"Just... text Jared tomorrow. See if he'll talk. And if he won't... Well, let me know."

That was kind of a weird thing to say, but he didn't seem like he wanted to say anything else about it. I wasn't going to press.

*** ***