how to catch feelings

96

I was on edge the entire car ride back up to school, checking my phone every time it buzzed.

Snapchats from various friends. Tik Toks from Meg. Half a dozen Scrabble notifications. Press releases. Emails from the school about dining hours. Random Facebook screenshots from Kat.

Not a word from Cole.

"You're awfully quiet today," Eric said, merging onto our third expressway of the trip. "Usually you don't shut up."

"Sorry."

He gave me a sidelong glance. "You need a slurpee?"

I shrugged.

"Oh man."

"What?"

"Is it Cole?"

"Why's everything have to be about Cole?"

"I never said it was. You did."

"Did not."

"Did too."

I blew a raspberry at him.

"But is it?" he asked again a minute later.

"Is it what?"

"Cole."

"I dunno."

"That's a yes."

"No."

"Definitely a yes. He not answering your texts?"

"Something like that."

"Did something happen?"

"No."

"You were on the phone last night."

I winced. "You heard?"

"That you were on the phone. Don't worry, I couldn't make out what you were saying."

"Well, thank Jesus for that."

He laughed. "Why? Should I be concerned?"

"No. It was a G-rated conversation."

"Sure. So then why's he not answering?"

"Hell if I know." I checked my phone again. A 'hallo' from Kat.

I didn't text her back.

Was it me? Was I making it too complicated? Was I making it more than it was? Coming on too strong? Did I even have the right to worry about him? He didn't owe me anything. I mean, peace of mind would've been nice, but could I expect that out of a guy I classified as a friend with a question mark?

"I'm losing my mind," I said aloud.

"Losing? Thought you already lost it."

"Thanks. Really. Thanks. Your support means so much."

"No problemo."

***

The girls weren't returning until Sunday, so once Eric left for his own dorm, I was on my own.

Under different circumstances I would've appreciated the alone time, but uncertainty had me much too anxious.

Had I fucked it up?

I definitely fucked it up.

It was me. Me being me. That's why he wasn't answering.

I was too much.

He didn't need to deal with me on top of everything else he was dealing with. He didn't need me bothering him, burdening him with my own problems, ruining his life with my quest to expose the truth.