how to catch feelings

67

I'd long since stopped crying when someone knocked on my bedroom dorm.

Meg.

"Hey. What's up?" she asked, climbing up on my bed.

I turned my phone off and sat up. Sighed.

"Does this have to do with Cole?"

"Mmhm."

"Want to talk about it?"

"I dunno." I sighed again. "I ran into him in the library. I asked him what was going on. He had a black eye. I guess he got into it with Jared. He wouldn't say about what. And he wouldn't talk about three weeks ago. And..." I took a shuddering breath. "He said he didn't ask for me to care. So I said I'd stop caring."

"But you still care," Meg said softly.

"I do. I still fucking care."

"Sorry pal."

"It's not your fault I went and caught feelings." I grabbed my stuffed cat and threw it across the room. "God. Fucking boys."

"Yup."

"I'm done. I'm just done."

"Okay."

"Don't let me have a crush ever again."

"No promises, homie."

"Ugh." I flopped over again. "I wanna give him a second black eye. Make em match."

"I support that."

"Thank you."

"You wanna watch a movie?"

"I guess."

***

"What if you asked Jared?" Damaris asked suddenly.

"Ooh, yeah, if he and Cole fought, he probably knows why," Meg said.

"I guess." I reluctantly picked up my phone from the coffee table and opened Messenger.

I clicked on Jared's name and typed, "Can I ask you a question?"

Almost immediately, he texted back, "Yeah, I guess."

Well, ouch.

"I heard that you and Cole got into it the other day."

"Ha. Is that what he said?"

"He didn't really say much of anything."

"Funny."

"Funny how?"

"Well, he sure said a lot the other day."

"Like what?"

"I probably shouldn't be telling you any of this, but whatever. So me and the guys were going to the gym to work out. We ran into Cole. He started going off on me, some crap about me talking to you and I needed to knock it off. I asked what the big deal was. 'It's not like you're dating her,' I said. Yeah, well, he didn't like that. He swung at me. So I swung back. You get the idea."

I stared at the screen for a moment before responding. "That's what he was pissed about?"

"On Thursday, sure. Couldn't tell you what he's been pissy about for the last couple weeks. You ask me, the dude's losing it."

Why would Cole be so mad about Jared talking to me? He'd been upset the last time, but it didn't make any sense then either.

Was he jealous?

God, I hadn't realized I needed his permission to talk to people.

"Anything else?" Jared asked.

I closed the app without responding.

"So?" Meg asked.

"I don't know. Jared said Cole was telling him to stop talking to me. Jared said it wasn't like Cole was dating me. And then they started swinging."

"Damn. Sorry, Nat."

"But that does mean he likes you."

"Whatever. I'm done with it. I'm over it."

"Are you?"

"Yes." I put my feet up on the table and crossed my arms over my chest. "I am."

"If you say so."

***

I spent the rest of the semester trying to find a new normal.

I went to Starbucks on Tuesday afternoons instead of Mondays.

I stopped going to the gym.

I avoided the library at all costs.

I muted Cole's texts in case he decided to reach out.

I gave up on the whole Dax/Harding/drug thing.

It wasn't easy, but it was easier to let go than to keep hanging on.

Needless to say I was over-the-top relieved to be going home for a month.

Meg would be going to Kansas and Damaris would be working just about every day, but that was fine. I wanted to be alone for a while.

As it worked out, I decided to catch a train to Chicago.

My uncle picked me up at the station and we stopped for dinner before returning to his house.

"Got any plans?" he asked, stooping to pick up a tennis ball.

His dogs sat there with thumping tails, eagerly waiting.

"One of my friends is going to grad school in the city. We're gonna hang out tomorrow. And then I guess I'm gonna go back home."

"All this way to stay one full day? Nah. Hang out with your friend tomorrow, and Sunday we'll do some sight-seeing."

"Okay. Cool." I took my backpack to the guest room and spent a few minutes making myself at home.

When you have problems, just go to a different city.

Except the problems will probably follow you.

*** ***