how to catch feelings

70

My phone buzzed again.

I took another sip of my daiquiri before looking to see who was texting me.

Cole.

I immediately wanted to throw up.

So much for thinking the alcohol would sit halfway decently with me for once.

"Merry Christmas," he said.

Okay, Nat, chill. He's only returning the sentiment. Nothing to freak out over. Get a grip. Just get a grip.

A second message popped up. "How's your break going?"

After a few deep breaths, I convinced myself to respond. "It's been alright. Yours?"

"Same. Could be worse."

"For sure."

"How was Chicago?"

He must've seen my Facebook post.

"Nat, are you joining or not?" Eric called from the kitchen.

I'd much rather stay in the living room, curled up on the couch with my phone, but all my relatives were sitting around the kitchen table with the cursed saran wrap ball.

"I guess." I reluctantly got up.

My aunt offered to top off my drink, but I doubted I'd even finish what I had.

I set my phone on the table, but it buzzed again seconds later.

Cole again.

He'd sent a gif of a cat climbing and toppling a Christmas tree. "Seemed appropriate," he said.

"LOL. And Chicago was fine."

"That's good."

"Yep."

I suddenly had a dozen people yelling nonsensically at me; the ball had reached me and I needed to put the gloves on and get ripping before my cousin Lola rolled doubles.

Not that I particularly cared.

Lola rolled twos on her third try and passed me the dice.

The saran wrap ball moved on to Eric.

I rolled once, twice, three times, four times, five times, the table getting louder and more frantic with every roll.

Finally I got sixes.

Now that the dice were out of my hands, I grabbed my phone again.

"Sorry. Got roped into playing some stupid game."

"Big sad."

"The biggest."

"Kids these days are always glued to their phones," my grandma said.

Eric leaned over and looked at my screen before I could stop him. "She's just texting Cole."

I elbowed him as hard as I could, but the damage was already done.

"That's a boy's name," my grandpa said.

"Is that your boyfriend? Do you have a boyfriend?" My grandma's voice rose in excitement and triumph. After years and years of harassing me, she thought she was getting her way. She thought she'd finally whipped me into shape.

"No. I don't have a boyfriend. I don't need a boyfriend." I got up and stormed out of the kitchen.

I wound up in the foyer, crouched in the corner beside the massive fish tank housing my uncle's shark, Bruce.

With a few shifted boxes, I was completely hidden from passerby.

A Tik Tok notification lit up my phone screen.

Usually I tried to avoid using data, but I was too pissed off to care.

I opened the app and found a video from Cole waiting.

Something about a Wendy's bag in Florida referencing a Wendy's customer service center in Ohio.

I didn't find it particularly funny, but we could probably blame my bad mood for that.

"If I wanted to talk to people in Ohio, I'd just go for a lil drive," Cole said.

"For real."

"Also, fuck Ohio."

Alright, I had to crack a smile at that. "Agreed."

He sent back a couple laughing emojis.

"There's just something about Ohio that makes it so easy to hate," I said.

"There's a lot of things about Ohio that make it easy to hate."

Though no one could see me, I put a hand up to my face to hide my silly smile.

"Good point."

More laughing emojis.

This was what I had been missing. The stupid conversations. I could forget about wanting serious conversations if I could just keep the stupid ones. I could be content just to have him back as a friend. Right?

***

The rest of break was a little easier with Cole and I back on speaking terms.

That being said, I was nervous to return to campus and potentially screw things up again. If there was one thing I was good at, it was screwing things up.

I drove up a few days before the start of the semester to take care of a few newspaper things and take advantage of the peace and quiet.

With Meg and Damaris not returning until Sunday, I would have the dorm to myself for about a day and a half.

I loved having the dorm to myself.

I put on my Taylor Swift playlist and set about unpacking the things I'd taken home for break.

Clothes put away, fish tanks set up, plants arranged on the windowsill, toiletries tucked away in the bathroom cabinet.

I also needed to pick up my textbooks at some point, but I figured that could wait until the next morning.

What to do with my evening?

Watch a movie? Order delivery? Perform a one-woman Broadway musical? The possibilities were seemingly endless.

Despite the endless possibilities, one thing I hadn't anticipated was Cole texting.

"When are you coming back to campus?" he asked.

So he was already here.

"I came back earlier today."

"Oh. Cool. Me too."

"Fun."

"Yep." His typing bubble popped up, then went away, then came back, then went away again.

What was he trying to do, give me an anxiety attack? If that was his plan, it was working.

"Whatcha up to?" he asked finally.

"Nm. Trying to decide what to do, actually."

"Ah. Fun."

"Yuppp."

I would've been happy to keep talking, but I was fine with letting the conversation die out.

As it was, I had decided I wanted to cook up some bagel dogs and watch Les Mis.

Party of one, check.

*** ***