how to catch feelings

101

I sat back, stunned.

I read the email a second, third, fourth time.

It couldn't be.

Harding had to have been a part of it.

I'd been so sure. We'd all been so sure it was murder.

But two suicides?

No way Harding wasn't involved. If not in Dax's actual death, then at least in the events leading up to it.

It had to have been the drugs.

My phone buzzed again, and I instinctively grabbed it to check the screen.

A stupid email from GrubHub, ten bucks off Taco Bell.

Fuck Taco Bell.

I'd been hoping it was Cole. We were a week and a half past our movie night, and I hadn't heard a word from him since. He might as well have dropped off the face of the earth.

I figured the best thing to do was to just ride it out, let him come back on his own terms.

I hated it.

Biting my lip, I picked up my phone again. Should I tell him?

He'd been so sure it was suicide, back in the fall, but could he bear to have it confirmed?

Either way, it had to be eating him alive.

What the hell, right?

One bad decision after another.

I shot him a text. "Can we talk?" I asked.

The least I could do was not dump it on him without warning.

There was no telling when he would respond, so I went upstairs to shower.

He still hadn't texted back when I returned fifteen minutes later.

"You're awfully twitchy tonight," Meg commented, sprawled on the couch.

"Sorry."

"You don't need to apologize, I was just... Is it Cole?"

"Something like that."

She sat up. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I dunno." I sighed and sat down. "He's just... Well. It was a suicide. Dax. And I figured Cole should know. But he hasn't exactly been responding to messages since we got back from break."

Meg frowned. "Not once?"

"No."

"Can you see if he's looked at them?"

"Yeah. He hasn't."

"Maybe you should check on him."

"What, like go to his dorm?"

"Why not?"

"I..." I didn't have a good reason not to. "Alright. Fine."

***

If he looked rough last time I saw him, he looked absolutely awful now.

I couldn't even bring myself to ask how he was.

"What's up?" he asked. He tried to smile but faltered.

"I just wanted to see how you're doing," I said.

"Oh. I'm okay."

That was far from the truth, and we both knew it.

"Look... I need to tell you something."