how to catch feelings

95

Going home felt strange after nearly two months on campus, but I welcomed a week off from most newspaper responsibilities. There were still redesigns to be done for the orientation issue, but I could delegate that to Jess. Design was her thing anyway.

My 21-year old cat picked her way up the basement stairs to sleep in my room each night as I volleyed Tik Toks back and forth with Cole.

It was almost perfect, really.

Until Friday night.

It was almost a quarter to 1 when YouTube was replaced by an incoming phone call.

Cole.

I slid to answer.

"What's up?" I whispered.

I sat up when I heard his ragged breathing.

"Hey. What's going on? Are you okay?"

"I really fucked up. I really, really fucked up."

"Okay... Can you tell me about it?" I pulled my knees up to my chest and my cat grumbled her annoyance with the shifting blankets.

For a long moment, he didn't answer. It was only the sound of his breathing that kept me from checking to see if the call was still going through.

"Cole? What happened? Can you tell me about it?"

"I fucked up."

"Okay, but can you tell me what you did?"

"I told him to kill himself."

"What? Who? Jared?"

"Yeah. When we... when we argued. I was so..." His voice cracked. "So fucking pissed. I told him to... to do the world a favor... go kill himself."

Oh my God.

"Hey. Listen to me. You didn't make him do that, okay? That was his decision. There were a lot of other things going on in his life. Okay? You guys got into it months before he died. You were not the last straw."

"I don't... I can't stop thinking that... what if..."

"No. No. Listen. Can you do something for me?"

He sniffled. "Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah."

"Take a deep breath. Now can you look around? What are five things you can see?"

"I... My desk... Books. My duffel bag..." He sighed, and the sound shook. "My laundry basket. Shoes."

"Okay. What about four things you can feel?"

"My phone... pillow... bed... blanket."

"Great. What are three things you can hear?"

"The wind... crickets... and your nose whistle."

"Oh, shut it."

We both burst into laughter. I quickly clapped my hand over my mouth to stifle it.

When we had gotten ourselves back under control, I asked, "And what are two things you can smell?"

"Honestly? Nothing. My nose is hella stuffed up."

"Maybe you should blow your nose."

"Maybe."

"You have Kleenex?"

"No."

"Then use your sleeve. A little snot never hurt anyone."

He laughed again.

I slid back down into my bed. "Are you feeling a little better?"

"Yeah. Sorry."

"Meh. Don't apologize. It's all good. That's what friends are for, right? Talking each other down?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Cool. You gonna try and get some sleep now?"

"I guess so, yeah."

"Good. Get some sleep. Things will look better in the morning, okay?"

"Okay."

"Alright. I'm gonna text you when I wake up. To check in."

"Okay."

"Okay." I sucked in my cheek. "Okay. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

The call ended, and I put my phone up.

I fell asleep almost immediately.

***

True to my word, I shot Cole a text in the morning, just a "you good?"

He didn't answer right away, and I didn't have time to lay around waiting.

Nope.

Had to pack up my crap and hit the road.

That's not to say I wasn't checking my phone every other minute to see if I had maybe missed his response.

Well, okay, it was still only 10, and he'd had a late night. He was probably still asleep. No need to overthink it, Nat. Really.

Eric popped his head into my room. "Almost ready?" he asked.

"Yeah. Just gotta take care of the fish."

"Alright." He picked up my backpack. "I'll take this out to the car."

"Okay, but can you—"

"Put it right-side up. Yeah."

"Thanks."

"Mmhm."

I checked my phone again. Still nothing.

Man, the wait was killing me.

I tucked my phone in the waistband of my leggings and set about scooping my two bettas into their travel Tupperware.

Eric returned for my laundry basket. "Now are you ready?"

"Take a chill pill." I screwed the lids on the fish and wrapped them in their dishcloths. "In a rush to get back to campus?"

"No. But I figured you might be."

I raised an eyebrow. "I don't have production tomorrow."

"I wasn't talking about the newspaper."

"So then what were you talking about?"

He smirked.

"What? Tell me."

"You know."

"I don't. Tell me."

"Cole."

"Oh, for God's sake."

"I'm right, though, aren't I?"

"No. Not even close."

"If you say so."

"Slurpees?"

"This early?"

"We can get them closer to school."

"Yeah. Fine. Hurry up. Mom's driving me crazy."

I picked up the fish and glanced around my room one last time. I probably had everything. And if not... oh well.

"'Kay. Let's go."

*** ***