how to catch feelings

65

Against my better judgment, I sent Cole a text right before I started the meeting.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

And then I left my phone by my computer and went into the conference room.

We filled story assignments and then I threw myself into the workshop, another newspaper tear-up by popular demand.

I put the reporters in pairs, each with a copy of random newspapers from around the state. Some of them were from the year before, when Kat had led the first tear-up, but I figured the new reporters wouldn't know the difference.

Once everyone had had enough time to find some stylistic differences, we compared notes.

White space, borders, margins. Writing style. By-lines, headings and subheadings. Ad placement. Crossword puzzles.

"Alright. Good meeting, y'all." I started gathering up the papers.

Trent collected the pens and took them into the office for me.

"Have you spoken to Bradley?" he asked when he came back.

"I emailed him last week."

"Okay. Cool."

"Yep. Thanks for that."

"Yeah, of course. I'll let you know if I hear anything else."

"Great." I lingered in the conference room a bit longer, torn between checking my phone and ignoring it entirely for as long as possible.

No, the suspense was killing me.

So I took the newspapers and walked back into the other room.

I flipped my phone over and hit the home screen.

Nothing.

Not even an email.

Was I disappointed? Was that the feeling?

I tossed the newspapers in the recycling bin and sat down in my desk chair.

"Going home?" Jess asked, walking in to grab her jacket and camera bag.

"Oh. Yeah."

Part of me was hoping Cole would appear out of nowhere to walk with me, but Jess was my only company walking back to the dorms.

Could've been worse, I guess.

***

Monday was craptastic. My stomach was filled with the angry spiders again, my mind spiraling with all the possible reasons why Cole might be avoiding me.

I went to Starbucks after my second class, but he wasn't there.

So I took my drink and went back to the dorm to lay in bed and watch Netflix.

That ended real fast. Nervous energy was eating away at me.

I changed clothes and walked across campus to the gym.

Was I hoping to see Cole there? Or Jared? Or any of the baseball guys?

Maybe.

Or maybe I just wanted to push myself on the ellipticals until I was too tired to think.

Let's go with that second one.

I couldn't help but scan faces as I walked through the gym to the stairs.

No one I recognized.

I went upstairs to the machines and set myself up in a corner, looking out a back window at the trees. I popped in my earbuds and turned up my music.

The minutes dragged by.

I would never understand how people could exercise on a daily basis. And enjoy it.

I called it quits after two miles.

Other students had come and gone while I was upstairs, so I glanced around again.

No Cole.

A group of guys was entering the building as I was going to leave. I stepped aside to avoid them.

"Nat!"

Confused, I turned.

Jared peeled away from the group. "Hey."

"Oh. Hi." Now what? "Did Cole ask you anything about Dax the other day?"

He frowned. "No, we haven't seen him in a few days. He's kinda pissed at us."

"Why?"

"Hell if I know. What was he gonna ask?"

"I mean, it was for me. But. Um... Remember that conversation we had about drugs and Harding?"

"Sure. What about it?"

"Well, someone found drugs in the locker room after the team had been in there."

"Ah. Yeah. Doesn't surprise me."

"You think anyone else would know about that? Or the thing about Dax's grades?"

Jared ran a hand through his hair. "Hm. Maybe Dillon. They were kinda tight."

"Gotcha. You think he would talk to me?"

"Yeah, probably. Hey, we gotta get a workout in, but I can talk to him about it later."

"Okay, cool. Thanks."

"No problem." He smiled and then rejoined the team.

I just shook my head.

***

I was 'reading' for one of my classes when my phone buzzed.

My heart sped up, but it was quickly disappointed.

Dillon had texted me on Messenger.

"Hey," he said. "Jared said you had some questions about Dax."

"Yeah." I set my book aside and chewed on my lip. "I knew you guys were tight. This might sound kind of... out there... but I'm just kind of fishing rn."

"Sure."

"Do you know if Harding had anything to do with Dax's grades being bumped just above failing?"

"Oh. You mean when Dax was gonna get kicked off the team and Coach emailed his profs?"

"Yeah." How to bring up the second part...

"If you ask me, Dax should've just let himself get kicked off the team," Dillon said.

Alright, we'd go with that. "What makes you say that?"

"Coach had Dax do him a favor."

"Like what?"

"Well, you know. Just moving some stuff around. Deliveries. That kind of thing."

"Someone found drugs in the locker room after y'all had been in there."

It was a few minutes before he texted back. "Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That was it."

"Dax was delivering drugs for Harding?"

"Don't say anything about this in the paper. I don't want Dax to be remembered like that. None of us do. He didn't want to do it. He was a good guy."

"I know. I wasn't going to ruin his reputation like that."

"Thank you. Did you have other questions?"

I typed 'no' but then deleted it. "Just one more. Do you know what's going on with Cole lately?"

"Can't really help you there. He hasn't talked to any of us in a few days."

"But you don't know why?"

"Nope, sorry."

"Okay. Thanks."

"Np."

*** ***