how to catch feelings

94

All breath stolen from my lungs yet again, I sat frozen on the living room floor.

I didn't want him to see me like this, hyperventilating and ugly crying.

"Nat, please, let me in," he called through the door.

Thank God the girls had locked up behind them.

"Nat, come on. Please."

I couldn't make up my mind if it would be worse to listen to him standing out there or to let him in.

No, no, no. Fucking hell, Natalie. You absolute fucking fool.

My feet acted of their own accord, picking me up and carrying me to the door.

I unlocked the door.

To my surprise, he didn't flinch at the sight of me.

Instead he just held out his arms.

For once, I didn't give it a single thought, stepping forward into his embrace.

Unfortunately, it didn't last super long; I started to worry about getting snot on him, leaving wet spots from my tears.

With a particularly gross sniffle, I pulled away.

Dammit, I definitely left tear stains on him.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"Don't be. Is there anything I can do? Anything you need."

"No. I'm good. Really. Well, no. I really need a Kleenex."

He looked stricken, and I laughed.

"I'm kidding. I can get my own Kleenex." I retreated to the living room, where a tissue box was sitting on the TV stand.

When I turned around, he was hesitating in the archway between the kitchen and living room.

"What?" I asked.

"I'm sorry," he said. "For... not answering your texts. I've just... I've been getting shit from the guys on the team. About Jared. And I bombed my midterms. My math professor pulled me aside after lecture yesterday to tell me to drop the class."

I didn't know what to say.

All I could offer was silent horror.

"It's fine. Worked out better than I could have planned it. Gotta help you get your big story, right?"

"I didn't want this." My voice cracked. Fuck. I didn't want to cry in front of him either.

Too late for that.

"I didn't want you to... You're going to lose your scholarship. Please, please, don't. Don't do this for me. You don't need to do this."

He shrugged. "It's nothing. I'll be okay."

"What if I'm not?"

I expected him to offer more empty promises, but he didn't. He just offered me another hug.

"I applied for a bunch of scholarships last week," he said softly. "Just barely made the cut off date. I'm going to finish my degree, okay?"

"Okay." I sniffled. "I need to blow my nose."

"Nah."

"I'm gonna get snot on you."

He shrugged. "A little snot never hurt anyone."

"Oh my gosh. Seriously. I need to blow my nose."

"Oh, alright." He released me.

God, my nose was a faucet.