how to catch feelings

85

Both girls were still in their rooms when I got back to the dorm, so there were no comments about me being back so early.

I shut my bedroom door and crawled back into bed.

When I woke up two hours later, I found about a dozen notifications waiting on my phone's lock screen.

A couple from the editors, a few from Kat, an MPA email, Canvas comments, a Tik Tok message.

I read the texts first, assuring everyone I was fine and thanking them again for handling things in my absence. I marked the email as read and opened Canvas just to get that stupid red number to go away.

The thought of checking Tik Tok made me feel sick to my stomach, but I knew I needed to get it over with.

Yeah. A video from Cole.

At least it was just a video.

I didn't even watch it. I swiped out of the app, rolled over, and closed my eyes again.

When I checked the time again, it was about four.

I dragged myself downstairs to thaw some bagel dogs.

"When'd you get home?" Damaris asked.

I shrugged. "Probably a little before eleven."

"What about the newspaper?" Meg asked.

"The others took care of it. Kat did final edits remotely."

"That was nice of her. Are you feeling okay?"

Another shrug.

"I can put your food in the oven when it's done heating up," Damaris offered.

"You don't have to."

"Nah, I gotcha. Take a load off, homie."

"I've been sleeping like all day."

"Meh. If you're sick, you get to lay around all day."

"Good to know." I carefully laid down on the couch. I let out a sigh.

"You think it's a cold?" Meg left the table, where they'd been studying, and came over to sit in the armchair.

"Probably not. I dunno. I think it's just stress."

"About the newspaper?" Damaris plopped down in the butterfly chair.

"That. The whole investigating thing. Cole."

"Why? Is he part of it?"

"I don't know. And that's probably the worst part. The possibility that he could be involved."

"I'm sure he's not."

"I hope you're right." I sighed again.

***

I woke up to an alert from the university and a whole crap ton of texts.

A student had been found hanging in the gymnasium.

Nothing like hard news to wake you up in the morning.

I jumped out of bed and grabbed my laptop to start firing off emails.

It was as I waited for my laptop to turn on that it registered with me that several of the texts had been from Cole.

Adrenaline surged through me, and I grabbed my phone.

The first text he'd sent had come in a little after five in the morning.

"Oh my God."

"Nat, it was Jared."

"Please text me back."

"I really need to talk to someone."

"Please text me back, I'm freaking the fuck out."

"Natalie, please text me back."

You get the idea.

My fingers hovered over the keys for a moment as I thought. Finally I typed, "It was Jared?" and hit send.

He replied immediately. "In the gym. It was Jared. He hanged himself. Oh my God."

I didn't know what to say. "I'm so sorry," I said. I picked at my lip. "Is there anything I can do?"

Typing bubble, no bubble. Bubble, no bubble.

"I don't know," he said eventually.

I didn't know either.

Setting my phone aside again, I logged on to my laptop and opened my email.

University police, Marcus, Harding.

Sent, sent, sent.

*** ***