how to catch feelings

83

Fuck meee.

I closed my internet browser just before the professor walked by. Dillerman probably wouldn't have cared, but I didn't want to push it.

I spent the last twenty-three minutes of class staring blankly at my Mac, pretending to be working every time Dillerman made her rounds.

"Alright, y'all, hit the road," she said finally.

I shoved my planner and pencil in my backpack and sped down the hall to the office.

My stomach churned as I hunted around for Marcus's phone number. Finally I found it and dialed.

God, how many times was he going to let it ring?

Just when I was about ready to give up, he answered. "Marcus Rowland. Who is this?"

"Natalie Miller. Sorry. I was in class and just saw your email."

He pushed past my excuse. "I got a message from the police chief a little bit ago."

"Oh?"

"He said you were asking about the cocaine they found in the locker room. He also said you alleged that the baseball team was involved."

"Is it really an allegation if they actually are involved?" I regretted it the moment I said it, but it was already out there. No takebacks.

"I highly doubt the baseball team had anything to do with the incident."

"The baseball team would tell you otherwise."

"That isn't the point. I called because clearly we needed to review what we talked about last time."

Yup. There it was.

"This is a police matter. This is not a newspaper matter. This is not yours to investigate."

"Okay," I said, doing my best to sound agreeable.

"I don't know what Kat set you up to, but remember your place at this university. If you keep inserting yourself into police investigations, we'll have no choice but to revoke your funding."

Of course he was going to threaten our funding.

Well, joke was on him. Kat had left on the whiteboard the phone number of a lawyer with the MPA. One little phone call, and Marcus would be the one getting his ass handed to him.

Even so, I held my tongue. Getting into it with him would cause more problems than it would solve, and I couldn't afford that. None of us could.

"Do I make myself clear?" he asked.

"Yes. I apologize for crossing the line. We'll be more careful moving forward."

Ha. More careful about keeping our work quiet.

"I'm glad to hear that. Hopefully the next time we talk it will be under happier circumstances."

"Yes. For sure. Have a good day."

"You too. Goodbye."

"Bye." I hung up and left my phone at my desk.

I flopped down in the closest armchair.

What a shitshow.

My phone buzzed, and I reluctantly got up to see what the deal was.

Crap. It was Cole.

"No Starbucks today?" he was asking.

"Frick. I'm sorry. I had to call Marcus back. You know, so he could calmly yell at me."

"That sucks."

"Yeah." It really did. I really wanted to go back to the dorm and cry for a bit, but I knew Starbucks and a good laugh would be just as good a relief. "Are you still at Starbucks?"

"Yep."

"Gotcha. Okay. Yeah, I'll be there in a few. Sorry again."

"You don't need to apologize."

I shoved my phone in my coat pocket, grabbed my backpack, and headed out for the other side of campus.

***

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked again.

"Yeah." I fidgeted with my straw, picked up my phone to check the time as if I had anywhere else to be.

"We don't have to hang out if you don't want to."

Well, that certainly wasn't going to make me feel better.

"I just meant if you're not feeling up to it. I'm sure your phone call with Marcus was pretty shitty."

"It was."

He frowned. "I might know something that will cheer you up."

I didn't respond. Instead, I silently watched him pull out his phone and do a minute or so of scrolling.

"Ah. Here we go." He turned his phone around for me to see.

It was one of our favorite Tik Tok cats, a mischievous fluffball by the name of Shrimp. Today's escapade was Shrimp trying to eat all the plants, including the fake ones, in his owner's house.

"SHRIIIIMP!"

I couldn't help but laugh. "I love Shrimp."

"Shrimp is the best. I want a cat like Shrimp."

"Do you, though?"

"Good point. I do not want a cat like Shrimp. However, I will be happy to watch Shrimp's Tik Toks."

"Same."

Cole resumed scrolling. "Do you need another Shrimp video?"

"I mean, I'm okay, but I won't say no to another one."

"Yeehaw. Gimme a sec." He did a little more scrolling and then laughed. "Okay. This isn't Shrimp, but I think you'll still like it."

"Hit me."

This one was a guy eating a candy bar and singing a parody of a Willy Wonka song: "What do you get when you guzzle down sweets? Probably motherfucking diabetes."

Both of us busted out laughing.

"That's... wow."

"I know, right?"

Yeah, Starbucks was a good call.

***

I checked the spreadsheet before I loaded Netflix.

To my surprise, just about all the names had been covered, minus Harding, who I was supposed to pay a visit. Guess everyone was super excited about this.

I skimmed the list of shoe sizes, highlighting any elevens and eleven and a half's. Next I went back through and made a second list of the people with the shoe sizes in question.

Jared had made the second list.

I rubbed the bridge of my nose and squinted.

Oh God.

Cole had too.

*** ***