how to catch feelings

105

I got to the office way too early, subjecting myself to further anxiety having to sit there and wait for Adam to show.

He eventually arrived. He looked just as nervous as he had last time I saw him.

"Thanks for coming by," I said as I let him into the office.

"Yeah. No problem." He sat in one of the armchairs, and I chose one of the desk chairs. "So what did you want to know?"

"Honestly... I don't know. Well... Okay. The picture we mentioned last time? If Dax... committed suicide...?"

"Oh. Yeah. I guess I hadn't thought about that. It wasn't me, I can tell you that. I was the last one of us to know."

I gave myself a few degrees of anxious swiveling. "Would either of your other two roommates have taken the picture?"

Adam frowned. "I mean, I don't think so. We came back from the party at the same time, it was just that Gio went to check on him first. He wouldn't have had time to take a picture, even if he had wanted to."

None of this made any sense.

"And no one else had been in the dorm?"

"I don't... Well..."

"What?" I stopped swiveling.

"It's just that... we locked up when we left. And when we came back... the door was unlocked."

The only plausible explanation I could think of was if someone had stopped by, Dax unlocked the door to let them in, and then... But the picture was taken after Dax was already dead.

Had someone else been in the dorm while Dax took his life?

And why hadn't they come forward?

***

Rather reluctantly, I texted Amber.

"Hey, girl, what's up?" she replied.

"I was just wondering if..." I backspaced. "I think someone might've visited Dax right before it happened."

"Oh."

"I'm really sorry to bring it up, I was just wondering if you knew anything about it. Or maybe had any guesses as to who it was."

"Probably one of the guys on the team."

"None of them said anything."

"Well, they all got pretty fucking hammered at the party. I know Cole and Jared in particular were blackout drunk. Dillon too."

My stomach twisted.

If they'd been blackout drunk, they wouldn't have remembered going to see Dax.

Fucking hell.

"It was suicide, wasn't it?" Amber asked.

"Yeah. I think so. I just... Something went down before it happened."

"Okay. Well, thank you for looking into it. I appreciate it."

"Yeah." I let the conversation die there, not wanting to talk any longer.

I got up and closed my bedroom door.

I didn't quite feel like crying, but I wanted to hide from my roommates' curious gazes.

The afternoon passed fuzzily, hours spent staring blankly at the ceiling, the same jumbled thoughts bouncing around in my mind without coming to any meaningful conclusion.

I rolled onto my side and shifted my attention to the rain pounding down outside my window.

Michigan was truly a horrible place to be this time of year.

My phone buzzed again and I ignored it like I had every single other time.

Another buzz. Then another.

Insistent.

I picked it up and looked at the screen.

Cole.

Both the last and the only person I wanted to talk to.

"You okay, pal?" he was asking.

A yellow heart.

Wasn't yellow for friendship?

Fuck me.

I was an idiot. Such an idiot. Had I misread everything?

I must've. I must've.

Pal. Yellow.

Thinking maybe we could be more than friends.

Thinking he wasn't involved in Dax's death.

Thinking anything I'd thought.

So fucking stupid.

In that moment I wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn't come.

I turned my phone off and pulled my blanket up over my head.

If a meteor had hit the earth right then and killed us all, I wouldn't have been upset about it. Wouldn't have felt cheated.

It would have been a relief.

***

Someone knocked on my door.

Meg.

I didn't answer, but she came in anyway.

"Hey, pal," she said softly.

"Hey."

"Are you okay?"

I shrugged.

"You want deep pressure therapy?"

"Please, no."

"Okay. But if you change your mind."

"I won't."

She climbed up on the end of my bed. "You wanna talk about it?"

"I dunno."

"Okay. Well, I'm here if you do."

Barely a minute passed before I sat up. "Cole might've been there. The night Dax died."

Meg didn't say anything.

"I was stupid to hope he wasn't involved. I was stupid to think..." I shook my head. Of course the tears had to start now.

"You aren't stupid. You were following the facts like any journalist would."

"I wasn't. I ignored everything. All logic. All facts. Everything. My gut."

"It's okay to follow your heart."

"It's not. Not when... God, I'm so stupid."

"You're not stupid."

"I am. I really thought that this might be it. You know. The one. I just wanted a one-and-done. An easy happily ever after. I'm so stupid."

"Did Cole say something to you?"

"No." I wiped my eyes. "He didn't need to. All this time... I just ignored everything. All the signs. I'm just a friend. We're just friends. And I..."

I already knew it was going to be too fucking painful to be friends after this.

I didn't want to do it.

I just wanted to be done. Done with it all.

"I'm sorry, pal," Meg said.

*** ***