how to catch feelings

91

"How was class?"

Cole looked up from his book and shrugged. "You know. It was class."

"Right. Mine was also class."

"That's good."

"Yup." I sat down and unzipped my coat. "Fantastic weather."

"Oh yeah. Definitely."

I couldn't tell if he was acting weird or if I was just imagining tension.

Probably just my imagination. Stupid brain.

"So are you going on Friday?" he asked.

Was that it?

"I dunno. I didn't really know him."

Cole shrugged again. "Most of the people who will show up didn't either. Just another excuse to party, right? Get drunk. Get a little crazy. Take risks."

"I guess so." I felt a headache coming on; I quickly sucked in my cheek and bit down. Like that wouldn't just eventually make the pain worse.

He stared off at some point over my shoulder.

For a moment, I was content just to observe him lost in thought.

"Are you going to go?" I asked.

He blinked. Then he looked down at his hands. "I don't know. I don't think so. It would just feel... wrong."

I didn't know exactly what he meant, but I sure as hell wasn't going to make him elaborate if he didn't want to.

"Gotcha. Well, you don't have to go." I wanted to tell him that his absence wouldn't change what had happened, but I couldn't for the life of me think of a non-depressing way to say it.

"Yeah."

Did he just want to be left alone? Was I doing him any good, sitting here pulling answers out of him like a dentist pulling teeth?

"Do you want me to go?" I asked. "It's okay if you want to be alone. I understand."

He flinched but didn't say anything.

I'm not going to lie, his silence stung a little, but I didn't want to be a factor in his misery. If he didn't want to hang out, then I didn't want to hang out either.

"Okay. Yeah." I checked my phone for the time. "I've got an interview in a bit. Some history prof who makes replica chainmail? Anyway. If you wanna talk, text me. Or call."

Something about him always had me making questionable decisions.

I whipped out the pen I kept in my coat pocket and hastily wrote my phone number on an unused napkin.

"Seriously. If you wanna talk."

I slung my backpack over my shoulder and left him there in the café.

***

"I heard there's another party on Friday," Damaris said. "We going?"

"I don't think I'm going to." I dumped my pasta into the strainer in the sink. "Not really my scene."

"Oh, come on. It's college. Senior year."

"You guys still have another year. And I'll be back in the fall for my last semester."

"You know what I mean."

"I went to the last one." I lifted the strainer and shook it to get the excess water out. As usual, I shook it a little too hard and little bits of noodle fell through the holes, dropping into the basin like some kind of soggy confetti.

"But it's a party."

"I'm sure it will be just like the last one," I said, pushing past her to get to my bowl. "Which I didn't care for."

"You were only there for a few minutes."

"Exactly. You guys can go, but I'm just gonna stay here and watch a movie or something." Into the bowl my pasta went.

"Weenie." She stuck her tongue out at me.

"Okay. Thanks." I tossed the noodles around to get them good and coated in butter.

"Isn't Cole going?"

"I don't think so."

"Fine."

"Yep. Have fun." I reached for the salt.

She huffed and walked away.

I took a bite; dammit, overcooked again.

***

Friday rolled around more quickly than I think any of us expected.

I spent the day chatting on and off with Kat, filling the conversational lulls with Broadway renditions and Friends reruns and Candy Crush.

The girls returned from clinicals a little after six, and for a moment I dared to hope they were too tired to go to the party, that instead they'd stay in the dorm and we could have an UNO-Flip-and-movie night.

But no, they changed out of their scrubs and came back downstairs debating what time to walk over to Bay Edge.

So much for a girls' night.

"Are you sure you don't want to come with us?" Meg asked. She pulled a frozen burrito out of the freezer and peeled the wrapper off so she could microwave it.

"Yeah. I'm good." I got up to join them in the kitchen, but really only to refill my water bottle.

Damaris was arranging a corndog and tater tots on a cookie sheet. "Need to put anything in the oven?"

"No, I ate earlier."

They fixed their dinners and took their plates to the living room. Damaris turned the TV to the Hallmark channel. Guess she needed to get her sappy Valentine's Day movies in.

"I think Jake and I are gonna just chill for Valentine's," Damaris said through a mouthful of tater tot.

I didn't remember asking.

"Netflix and chill?" Meg asked with a snort.

"Maybe." Damaris wiggled her eyebrows.

I just rolled my eyes and went on my phone to play 2048.

"What about you, Nat? You and Cole doing anything?"

Without a word, I picked up a piece of candy and whipped it at her. And missed.

"Okay, okay, I'm kidding."

"Kid again, and I'll throw a Reese's at you."

"Wow. Trigger my allergies, why don't you?"

"Yes. That was the plan."

"Have you guys talked since the other day?" Meg asked.

"Not really. Just a few Tik Toks."

"Aw."

"What."

"I dunno. It's just..."

"Whaaat."

"Y'all are cute, okay?"

Ugh.

"I have edits." I stood up and pocketed my phone. "Have fun at the party. Well. Not too much fun."

"Sure thing, grandma."

*** ***