Never In My Dreams

46- Empty Inside

"I rather have a broken arm than a broken heart"
                                                      - Christie Brinkley

[Taehyung's POV]

Pain. That was the word that best describes how am I feeling. I had been driving around for an hour wanting to scream at the tops of my lungs and cry my heart out.

'Let's not meet again.' Her words were spinning like a vinyl on a turntable. Of course I had felt stupid when I decided to come to her house and even try to tell her about my feelings. I was sure that I was in love with her, but now I realized how wrong I had been. I should have buried the feelings I had, but I couldn't. Those feelings brought me to her and were even enough to feel confident about it. Now I realize that I had been living in a complete fantasy.

I tried ringing her many times, but I eventually stopped since she never answered. I would respect her if she wanted distance and I would become happy if she's truly happy this way.

I looked up from my lap to see the house that I would never call my home. It was the house that Jennie and I would live in until our parents found a much better one- not that this one wasn't as nice. I had expected Jennie to be persistent about room sharing, but she didn't put up much of a fight and accepted it. The thought of marrying her made my stomach churn even more and suddenly I felt nauseous.

Once I went inside I could see all the lights turned off except for the lamp that illuminated the living room. As I kicked off my shoes and was about to head upstairs, I could Jennie sitting in the loveseat with a empty wine glass in the palm of her hand.

"Back so soon?" She asked, mockingly. She poured herself another round and gently swirled the glass in her hand before taking it up to her lips. She smiled once she seen the desolate expression on my face.

"Heartbroken, hon?" I could hear her snicker before guzzling the rest of her drink down. She stood up and walked over towards me, with an evident smile on her face. "Now you know how it feels."

She brushed passed me and went upstairs. I could hear her bedroom door slam shut and soon silence was all that surrounded me.
—

"Hyung? What are you doing here?" Bogum was in my doorway holding a plastic bag, which he soon waved in front of me. "I called you several times, but you never answered. Joohyun told me to check on you as well, but I didn't come empty handed."

Right now, Jennie was out and I had the house to myself. It felt nice being able to be alone, not that I minded Bogum's presence.

I stepped aside to let him in and followed him into the living room. "You look awful by the way!" He pointed out.

I rolled my eyes and took a seat beside him. "Gee, thanks!" I said, sarcastically.

I watched as he took out the containers from the bag. "I picked up some food on my way here," he said, while taking out a second pair of chopsticks.

"Thanks, hyung!" I told him. These days, I had trouble scarfing down food because of my loss of appetite. I was stressed and I think Bogum knew that.

"So what happened yesterday? You sounded so happy with me over the phone, but now you look like your dog died."

I sighed, not even wanting to mention it. "She hates me," I mumbled. Bogum looked at me with confusion, still chewing on his egg roll.

"Who is 'she' and why does she hate you? Is it Jennie?"

"I'm offended that you think that I'm sad over her," I said, hitting his arm playfully. My face turned solemn again, which made Bogum more concerned. "Last night I went to see Tzuyu. I planned on telling her how I felt because maybe- just maybe- I'll sleep better at night."

Bogum nodded his head, taking in all the information while I continued. "But before I could even do it, she told me that we shouldn't meet again. She made it clear on how she should focus on Mingyu and how I should focus on Jennie." I held my chopsticks up to my mouth as I took a bite of stir fried noodles.

"Does she know about your engagement?"

I shrugged and looked at my fingers which had no sign of a ring on them. I refused to wear it around the house, only putting it on when our parents came. "No. Yes. I don't know..." I said in defeat.

I rubbed my temples as I tried to recall everything in my mind. I don't think I did something that would have upset her, but even if I tried calling her she wouldn't answer.

"Will you be okay?" He said, shifting towards me. "About everything? About her?"

I gave him a weak smile and shook my head. "No. I don't think I'll ever be okay. I mean...how could I if I can't make the decisions in my own life?!" I scoffed as I thought of my parents. No matter how much I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt; I just couldn't. They never cared about me. Not at all!

I could see the pity that Bogum had for me. I hated to make others feel sorry for me. Just when I felt the warm tears about to leave my eyes, I avoided eye contact with Bogum and walked towards the kitchen.

"Umm, yeah. Is this anything you want to drink? A soda, water? A beer?" I asked, trying to change the topic.

Bogum shook his head and got back to his food. "Nah! I'm driving, remember? Also, you shouldn't drink if you're on pain medication. Didn't the doctor tell you to-"

"Relax! It's only one beer. The doctor told me to not drink while I'm taking the medication."

"And are you taking it?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"BECAUSE I-" When I saw his shocked reaction; I set my drink down slowly and waited until I calmed down. I could feel the tears threatening to spill from my eyes any minute now.

"Because..." I said, closing my eyes. "I'm numb."

There was silence of Bogum's end, as he was speechless and had no idea what to say.

"And its because I feel empty inside."

—

Part two will be out soon