Anyone but You :: soonhoon

ABY :: 79

*jihoon*

i jerked my head to jeonghan hyung once i noticed that he placed a hot green tea on the table in the side. he was smiling at me worriedly as he sat on the side, beside mine.

we were in my room, and he told me he wants to talk with me personally, alone. and this is was our vacant hours from the happenings and the studies. its already passed 10 in the evening and im doing the last compose song for this month.

"arent you tired, ji?"

even though he didnt tell me where im tired from, i know what he was implying and i know where this talk could lead. im expecting him to ask that since minghao and wonwoo asked me the same earlier.

i heave a sighed as i put down the pencil im holding. "tired." i simply said and looked straight to the picture in front of me.

its was me and soonyoung. . on our first monthsarry. it was captured at busan that night he surprise me that i thought he forgot the date.

jeonghan hyung leaned his back against the back of the chair watching me staring at the picture in front. "then why are you still holding on? let go of him, ji. set him free." he even gestured his hand to move freely.

"i was going to repeat what i just said to you the last time."

"ji."

the side of my lips rose up as i looked down on the paper. i held the pencil and tighten the grip on that still looking down. i swallowed hard and i tried so hard to stifle a sob, but i just couldn't. talking about my relationship with soonyoung made me fragile and make me cried in no time.

i told you before. . soonyoung will be my greatest downfall. and he would have the huge impact in my life. and now its showing. . i cant hide it.

"i-i cant lose soonyouㅡ"

"ji, you weren't the one who's going to lose him. it was him who lost you, already." then he leaned his both hands on his knees moving closer to me. "let go, ji. set him free already. im tired seeing you like this."

i shook my head which made me gasps and heave a sighed.

"please jihㅡ"

"i love soonyoung more than anything."

"you're turning just like what minghao had suffered before." he shook his head and he bit his lower lip. he even covered his mouth using his both hands still shaking his head side to side. "you know what ji? im so tired. im also tired seeing you like that! witnessing minghao being infatuated with the man he love is enough ji! please dont turn just like hiㅡ"

"as long as he didnt told me he doesnt love me anymore, i will still hold on. he has reasons hyung, im ready to hear his explanatiㅡ"

"you're looking like a fool jihoon! actions speaks louder than words! you already saw it with your two eyes yet you keep holding on, you keep continuing. you're being martyr!"

"actions can also deceived anyone hyung! as long as it didnt came from his mouth, i will keep moving and continuing because that is what i promised to myself!"

i heave a sighed and leaned my back on the swiveling chair. i clutched my chest as i bit my lower lip trying to restrain myself. i didnt know i have the guts to shout back at jeonghan hyung. this is the first time i shouted at him like this denfending my love for soonyoung.

this is what minghao did to us before. . im really turning just like him and i know that it doesn't doing me good anymore.

jeonghan hyung also heave a sighed and fanned himself using his both hands. he stood up still fanning himself. he was crying also, i can see pain and worried plastered on his face. i know he was also shock from the way i shouted back at him. i know.

"see? you are turning just like what minghao did before." he stopped behind me and i can hear his sobbed. "you know what, ji? i should have not let you be with soonyoung, i should have told you what pain it might give you aftermath. i-i was. . really scared ji. im really scared that you'll gone like this. . but now its happening. and that makes me lose myself trying to keep you guys whole."

my whole room filled with both of our sobs. my heart is breaking over and over hearing those from jeonghan hyung. i didnt know how much he was scared like that, i didnt know how much he was trying to keep us whole why we are here breaking because of someone.

he was there. . hurting seeing us with this situations. i had witnessed him how much he suffered on what happened to minghao before, and now thats it happening to me. . i can also witnessed it how much he's breaking. he was our mother, indeed.

i stood up and wipe my tears away. i scooted closer to him and hug him sideways. his cries became loud as i couldnt do anything but to give him my warm hugs. we are crying on our both shoulders hard enough like we are done facing the same problems everyday. like we wanted to end those all up in one night. like we dont want to suffer like this any longer.

he hugged me back which my face buried on his neck while his face are on my shoulder, still. we cried hard and loud enough to let the world knows that we're tired. and that we want to end this all up like as in right now.

it took us more than five minutes before we freed the hug. i wipe my tears away. i felt a light sting on my eyelids probably from the way im wiping my tears time to time. even my eyes are hurting. . the same with my heart.

he looked at me with bloodshot eyes. "let go, ji. be selfish this time. you're more tired than you think you are. you're just keep hurting yourself if you still holding on. please ji, let go now. give up now. it doesnt doing you good anymore. its not healthy anymore. let go, ji."

i keep wiping my tears away while he was uttering those words.

"stop holding back to the person who let go of you already. be selfish, let go. set him free."

"i-i dont know hoㅡ"

"you know how, ji. i know you know how."

we hug each other again and cried over and over. after that, we both laugh after feeling mortified with what happened. we both drank some water in the kitchen before he bade his goodnights to me. he was really sleepy and tired for todays happenings plus he's still have something to do related to his course.

i sat back at my swivel chair staring at the picture frame in front of me. . i honestly dont know how to tell it to soonyoung. but jeonghan hyung is right, i just keep hurting myself if i keep holding back to the person who let go of my grip already.

but i know that if those happened already, i was still keep seeking for an answer as to why. . why did we have to end up like that?