IM SORRY *TRIGGER WARNING*
(Phil's POV)
On the first day back to school, at exactly 5:30, my alarm clock blared and I groaned shoving my face into my pillow. Since I set my alarm clock on my phone across the room, I realized I have to get up to turn it off.
I got up and unlocked my phone so the noise would I stop. I opened my wardrobe and picked up the first thing I saw which was a blue t-shirt and blue jeans. I never where blue jeans but all my pairs of black jeans were dirty. After straightening and styling my hair, I went downstairs and made myself a bowl of cereal.
As I ate it, I looked up and saw the oven time read 6:50 which was weird because Dan hasn't arrived. He was always at my house at 6:30 because he liked to eat breakfast here and we walk to school together.
I swung my backpack over my shoulder and stepped out into the brisk January air. I walked across the street and onto Dan's driveway.
I brought my hand up to the door and knocked on it three times. I heard a lot of shuffling until the door swung open harshly.
Mr. Howell looked at me with glazed over, bloodshot eyes. He had a bottle of whiskey in one hand and took a swig of it. I gulped.
"What're doin here?" He spat.
"Hi Mr. Howell. Is Dan home?" I asked, trying to be as polite as possible.
"No." He said shortly and slammed the front door shut.
Well that was rude, I thought.
I perused in my head the reasons Dan wouldn't wait for me and decided that he wanted to walk with Hayley instead. Although the idea was a bit hurtful, Phil understood and remembered when he ditched Dan for Brittany a few times.
When I got to school I went to my locker and put my pm books in there and carried my am books to class.
"Okay class, I'm going to quickly call role...Marcus Butler?"
"Here."
"Alfie Deyes?"
"Here."
"Jack Dahmer?"
"Present."
"Will Jacey?"
"Here."
"Rebecca Jacey?"
"Here."
"Mariah Mac?"
"Here."
As the teacher continued calling names, I doodled in my notebook mindlessly.
"...Lester?" I looked up to see my whole class looking at me expectantly. My face flushed.
"Oh...here.." I said quietly.
"Dan Howell?"
Silence. I furrowed my eyebrows and I was shocked when I saw Dan's seat empty. Dan wasn't the type of student to want to miss school. He always said he hated making up work. Normally, I'd say he was probably sick but I was with him yesterday and he seemed fine.
"Okay, So today we are going to be talking about the Donner party." I sat up in my seat and paid close attention. I find United States history so interesting.
Later that day in art, I got bombarded by a huge hug from Troye.
"Phil! Phil! Guess what?"
I chuckled, "What?"
"Tyler introduced me to his family as his boyfriend and I spent Christmas Day with them!" Troye exclaimed.
"That's great!" I grinned and he nodded.
"Have you seen Dan today?" I asked.
"Dan Howell?" I nodded, "I can't say I have. Why?"
"Oh, it's nothing. He never misses school and I don't think he's sick..." I trailed off.
"I wouldn't worry about it. He probably got morning sickness or skipped. No biggy." Troye re-assured.
Something doesn't feel right...
When the teacher dismissed the class, I walked with Troye down the the lunch room. I was happy to see Brittany doesn't sit here anymore and it was now just me, Dan, Hayley, Dani, Chris, Pj, Troye, and Tyler.
"Where's Dan?" Asked Chris to the table.
"Not here today." I answered and I saw Hayley frown.
To: Dan
From: Phil
hey...u sick?
It notified that it was read immediately but I received no response.
To: Dan
From: Phil
are you ok?
It said it was read again and I furrowed my eyebrows. Why wouldn't he respond?
I thought that over the rest of the day and decided after school I would try to check on him again.
***
In last hour, I looked out the window and saw snow was falling at a rapid pace. I grinned.
The class went by dreadfully snow and I rushed out when the bell rang. The fresh, crisp air felt great as I walked home.
My phone buzzed and I saw it was a text from Dan. I eagerly opened it.
phil, thank you so much. you were my first best friend and you came to me when I was having a tough time. you tried desperately to save me from this fate im about to endure. i wanted to be okay too. but between my schizophenia, depression,and anxiousity, I give up. i just want you to know that I'll be waiting for you. i hope you have a great, long life with someone you love who isn't too much of a wuss to tell you that. you're perfect. everything about you is stunning. you're soft black hair that is too long and sometimes falls into you're eyes. your eyes remind me of everything innocent and pure. the shockingly blue crystal-like eyes with a navy blue outline. i just wasn't meant for this world. nobody will care, in this world of seven billion, that one soul will be gone. I must end my life for there is no hope left.
I want you to remember our times of joy, laughter, and smiling. I don't want you to think I'm leaving because I'm miserable and suicidal. I'll be at peace now. I'm just going to sleep for a little longer than usual. An eternity to be exact. Eveything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I am haunted by the thought that I am ruining your life with all my stupid thoughts.
One last thing, Philip Michael Lester, I am in love with you. I always had problems coming to term with my sexuality and that is one of the reasons I'm a failure. I was the one who was with you in the closet at Hayley's party and I kissed you on New years. The feeling of your soft, plump lips on mine is amazing. Even though I never you would never return the feelings I still needed to tell you that I love you. And remember that none of this is your fault and this year was the best year of my life.
Bye Phil.
I stood there, my mouth agape. Then I started running. Running as fast as I could. I was panting and tears were leaking from my eyes when I arrived in front of Dan's house.
I knocked on the door and nobody answered. I desperately tried jiggling around the locked door handle but it wouldn't budge.
I opened my backpack and pulled out a sharpened pencil and twisted it into the hole in the handle. I heard a crack and the door handle snapped and I swung the door opened. I ran up the stairs into Phil's bedroom. The bedroom looked normal but I smelt metal and my eyes glanced over to the closet.
My heart started pounding as I walked over to the closet. The door was cracked and I took a deep breath, bracing myself, before opening the door.
***
A/N: I know you hate me I'm sorry. Also PLZ don't stop reading because a miracle might happen ;)
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