stuck with a phobia ; lee felix

too selfish

☾✰

Sometimes it's alright to be selfish.

It's okay to set your priorities first and think about yourself above others.
But today, I was awfully selfish.

I was so immersed in the fact that my feelings were completely silenced—to the point where I belittled and hurt the feelings of a boy that only meant good.

And it's killing me. I felt awful.

Couldn't I have just kept my mouth shut?

I knew that the day would come, in which I finally let go and lash out at the wrong person, but I was stupid enough to believe I could hold it all in.

My short temper didn't make it all the better, and now here I am in the middle of the street, slouching over a lamppost trying to comprehend what happened. Truthfully, I didn't even know what to think. Part of me feels glad that I spoke up with my true feelings, a weight finally casted off my shoulders; but another part of me wants to slap myself across the cheek for the incident that just took place. Are my feelings not valid?

Why did I have to feel bad about my own emotions, why do I feel like I'm the bad guy?

The memory of his pitiful tears flashes in my head and I feel a thump of guilt each time. It isn't fair.

It was best to just leave the situation be, because this is what I wanted. I didn't want Felix and I warned him before, it's his fault for not listening and it's his fault his feelings got hurt.

I stay there for a little longer until my stained cheeks are no longer visible and the sun is on the verge of setting. I check my phone only to see a spam of messages and missed calls from Ivy.

ivy </3

where are you????

Hailee?

Please, text me back.

Let me know where you are, i'll come to you

at least tell me you're safe

this is my fault

im sorry

please.

I felt a little bit of whatever I had left of my heart shatter at each message I scrolled through. Hurriedly, I called her and she answered almost immediately with panic evident in her voice.

"Thank god! You finally picked up," I heard her sigh.

"I'm sorry Ivy. I'm so sorry," I began to tear up again. Stupid tears.

"I'm just gonna go home." and with that, I hung up and dragged myself back home.

~~

I carried myself to my room, finally being able to lie in bed with my face bombarded on a mountain of pillows I had lying upon it. I grabbed an armful of hair and groaned.

I was exhausted, so exhausted. I wish there was switch where I could just shut off my emotions and never think twice about anything ever again.

Was it best to just leave the situation be? How do I go back to school tomorrow and face Felix?
Nothing was going to be the same anymore, and it'll just be awkward.

What did I want?

Before I could even dig deeper into my mess of thoughts, I heard the doorbell ring. Cursing underneath my breath, I hurriedly ran down and opened the curtains next to the door only to see, Ivy?