stuck with a phobia ; lee felix

all for love

☾✰

I never realized that putting in the effort to dress up could totally alter someone.

I've dressed up before, but not like this. I gazed back at the mirror and I wasn't entirely sure if the person staring back was really me.

It wasn't any immense measure of makeup put on—just some blush coating my cheeks, sharp wings of eyeliner, light eyeshadow, and lip tint that smells like watermelon. Even with just a few small touches, I felt reinvented.

Or maybe it was just this big ass dress.

Felix shoved a white gift bag into my hands the morning after I spent a night at his. He clasped onto my hands, disappointed at the fact that we had to say our goodbyes already. like he was disappointed to say goodbye already.

"I hope with all my heart that you'll be able to make it. Even for a second," he said as his eyes begged me to take it, wear it, and show it off at his birthday party.

And how the hell do I say no to him after that?
I couldn't.

"You are the hottest bitch alive," Ivy proclaims as I feel the heat of the straightener traverse through my hair. "Felix is going to go feral."

"Not if you burn my hair until it's completely damaged," I hissed as she aggressively combed through my tangles. "My poor curls."

Ivy made it back from New York a day after the night I spent at Felix's. She did not lie when she mentioned her arrival would be a surprise because she knocked on my door at five in the morning with socks on her hands.

"The airport was cold as hell so I did the next best thing," she chimed as if she accomplished something extraordinary. It was truly an Ivy thing.

Regardless, my heart was drenched with joy that my best friend had finally come home to collect me in her arms again. She had a million stories to tell—some of which I completely drowned out as I was five seconds away from falling asleep.

What kind of upsets me is how passionate she feels about New York. She talks about it like she's met her soulmate, and I just knew she would try to go back there once given the chance.

She's going to leave me behind again.

But I'm in no place to stop her. If New York is her calling, then so be it. I won't get in the way of her pursuing what she wants for my selfishness.

Because this time she won't be leaving me alone. I am not subjected inside the hollow shell I once was confined in. I have myself to guide me, guide my heart to reach all the ones holding out for me.

"I can't believe you guys are actually together now! Like I knew this was going to happen but in less than a year? Goddamn Hailee," Ivy rants in disbelief.

"We are not together," I emphasize, "I still have to tell him that I like him."

Upon my statement, Ivy breaks out into laughter and I frowned, "What?"

"Nothing," she catches a breath, "I never thought I'd live to hear those words come out of your mouth."

I don't say a word because I am just as surprised as Ivy herself. If I were to go back in time to even just a year ago and tell myself that I was going crazy over Lee Felix, I would laugh in my own face. I'd go berserk and call myself a terrible liar.

But things really do have a way of unfolding themselves. Like look at me—the girl who hates parties and would rather read a book in the corner of the room alone was dressing up and preparing to go to one. I don't care though. I'm doing this for Felix, to see Felix. To see my friends there and just make the most out of this night for Lix.