stuck with a phobia ; lee felix

𝓽𝔀𝓮𝓷𝓽𝔂

☾✰

"Can you just look at me?!" i pleaded, eyes bulging with sudden moisture enclosing them.

The blonde boy finally looked up at me, bewildered by my sudden exclaim.

"I'm sorry.." i whispered.
"It's just been so hard. It's so difficult to get your attention now, and it's so hard to go around without having you flood into my thoughts within every second of the day. You're the only thing that circles in my mind ever since that day."
The words poured out of me like a rain of water showering a dried plant craving for it's damp necessity.

"I know what I said was wrong, and I'm sure you need your distance, but can you please just allow me the chance to apologize?"

I watch him as he gulps, probably a bit nervous as to what I had to say. Despite his apprehending nature, a nod escapes from him as approval to continue.

"You have been nothing but kind towards me, and I hate it so freaking much, because now I hate that you don't act the same anymore. I'm not going to lie, but I pretended."
My eyes gradually shift onto the ground, I couldn't stand looking him in the eye as the truth reveals itself.

"I pretended to be your friend, while you wholeheartedly wanted to be mine. I just wanted to get away from you because your outgoing nature just annoyed me to pits. I didn't want to be your friend, and I only said yes because I believed you'd make others.."
Swallowing a huge lump in my throat, I slowly lift my face up to catch his trembling eyes, clenched jaw and a tighter grip on my sweater.

"...and forget about me sometime soon. That'd leave me alone, like I've always been." a delicate whisper was the only sound that would emerge.

"And why do you think telling me all this now is a good idea? Do you really have to go in depth and explain it? Don't you think you've hurt me enough that day?!"

Eyebrows furrowed, I bit my lips. A tight lock pounding in my chest as the air felt heavier.

"Jeez Hailee, you don't have to be so cruel." he mumbled.

That was it.
The sentence that caught me off guard and was the last rope entwined in the tangles holding up my heart. It loosened, lost it's grip and clashed down.

"No!"
But isn't that true? You've justified it yourself, Hailee. You're cruel, vicious. You want people to hate you so they don't come any closer, but Felix saying it just broke all towers inside of me.

"I-I mean yes. I am. I'm cruel, I'm selfish and greedy, I'm everything evil! But please.." whimpers were the only thing erupting out of me at that point. 

Clearing my throat and straightening up, I shot up and look at him.
"It's not you I have a problem with, Felix."

His stern eyes secured my every move, every word that comes out of my lips. Why do I suddenly feel like I'm a hostage in front of a captor?

I licked my dry lips to find the right words to say.
"It's me. I don't like making friends because I don't want to."

The attentive stare I received made me feel a bit uneasy, so I sit back.
"Let's just leave it at the idea that I have a fear of getting close to people, so I don't like the thought of having anyone getting to know me. Talk, be kind with."

"What about Ivy? Isnt she your best friend?" he crossed his arms.

"That's different. I met her before an incident took place."