stuck with a phobia ; lee felix

gone away

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What felt like an eternity at school, I did not hesitate to rush out of classes.

Putting away the books that I didn't need in my locker, a loud voice calls out to me, "Jeez, we keep bumping into each other huh?"

Of course it was him. I've ran into Felix so much today, it was starting to get on my nerves.

"Please tell me your locker isn't right next to mine," I say irritated while I turn to face him.

"Oh how I wish," he pouted, a sense of relief washed  over me.

"It's actually one locker away!" He chuckles.

"That doesn't make it any better," my jaw clenched at his dull joke.

"Aren't you happy that our lockers are near each other?" My expression softens when I realize what kind of relationship we apparently have. We were friends.

"Don't you think it's a bit strange how much we're seeing each other today," I ask, trying to conceal the bitter tone I had to keep prisoner.

"Yeah! I noticed it too." I watch as he talks, while fumbling with his lock.

"I guess you can say we were just meant to be." He winked.

How I wish my ears were solely deceiving me.
I say nothing and blankly stare at him as he lets go of his lock and stares back at me.

Felix's smirk disappears along with his flirtatious attitude that hardly lasted 30 seconds and he begins to look flustered.

"I'm just joking, no need to look so serious... But! It's a good thing my locker is close to my friend's locker," He says with an emphasis on friend.

"Yeah, awesome." I respond and walked away, ignoring Felix's "Hey, wait!" Still, I don't stop until I reach the school's courtyard, my eyes searching for Ivy.

"There you are!" a sudden pair of hands grabbed my shoulders from the back.

"Well if it isn't Ivy." I smiled knowing this form of a greeting all too well. "Who else would it be, Bang Si-Hyuk?" She joked.

" You wish it was," I rolled my eyes playfully.

"Where's the lie,"  She sighs, but right before she could talk any further, another voice joins our conversation.

"I found you Hailee! I was worried you might've left already, I was wondering if.." Felix's voice trails off as he find 4 eyes looking straight at him, two new ones.

"Ah, sorry I didn't know you were talking with someone," he rubs the back of his neck, feeling a little embarrassed. Then, his eyes flick over to Ivy, who stares at him marveled.

"Oh! You're the best friend she compared me with! Nice to meet you," he beams, bringing his hand out and forming a fist.

Ivy just stares for a while, and Felix bites his lips before almost dropping his hand. She snaps out of her trance and begins,"And I'm guessing you're Felix? Hailee was right, you are pretty attractive," she says returning the fist bump.

I elbowed her in the side of stomach, humiliation flooding me as I refuse to look up at the boy. How does she bluntly bring that up?

"Oh don't worry, I'm not another fangirl, but nice face." She conveys.

Felix's broadened eyes changed into a small laugh as I facepalmed myself because clearly Ivy did not understand what I elbowed her for.

"Thanks, you've got a nice face too," he continues saying in the midst of laughing.

"Wait repeat that; you compared us? Explain how we're similar in the eyes of the oh great Hailee," Ivy mockingly taunts.

"You both are loud as hell."

Walking off did not help me escape from the laughter and running following closely behind.

~~

Taking my shoes off, I almost had the instinct to shout "I'm home," until I heard soft sobs down the hall.

Another day coming home to a mother who could not move on. My mom was a wreck.

Although she tries to yield a smile on her face, anybody could tell that it was forced. It's been years and she still hasn't been over the love of her life who deceived her.

9 years ago, my dad abandoned the both of us.

It was odd to go back and see how such a happy couple broke apart in flames, one happy with another woman and her child, and the other living a hateful life with just her child.

It was not enough to say how much I despised him; the way he showered us with love and then switched up one day to leave.

We shared a really close bond. I'd tell him almost everything that went on in my boring childhood life, and he was there to listen to every word I had to say.

We were an (what I had thought) unstoppable duo, in which he'd secretly grab extra cookies for us to eat when mom wasn't looking, he'd let me stay in the bath for just a bit longer, and basically bend our typical rules just a tad bit. Mom would be oblivious the entire time.

The loving atmosphere between mom and dad was always apparent, so I don't know where things went wrong. It wasn't until I was older in which I had started to put the pieces together.

When he started to pick up a drinking habit, the lack of affection we both received from him was painfully clear. He was drawing a thick line of distance, yet none of us had the courage to speak up about it. Perhaps if we did, things would've been a bit different now.

Mom was too blindly in love to consider the idea that he would be out with some other woman that wasn't her. She even tried wearing makeup, and she was someone who was extremely comfortable in her skin. In fact, she hated wearing makeup on uneventful days, and even encouraged me to never wear it for anyone but myself.

But after he left for good, a part of me dismantled and walked away forever; I couldn't look at anyone else the same way again.

There's an itch implemented within me to never let my guard down again, because people are ruthless. People are selfish. You'll be happier when you're on your own.

Or so what the voices screeching in my head would release.

It seemed impossible to unleash myself from this phobia I had casted upon me. As much as I wanted to break free from its chains, it just seemed hopeless.

I was scared, and felt like a freak.

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what an asshole smh.
i'm here editing all my chapters and deleted a large chunk of detail from this one :')
so much of it was too poorly written, and i also didn't want the excessive detail to be too sensitive. soooo i just deleted a bunch of other memories and feelings that was previously written out. i write for fun, i write to escape, i write to let out.