stuck with a phobia ; lee felix

kiss me better

☾✰

"Ivy, I can't find her anywhere!" Felix exhales, his breath shaky as panic surges through his body. His heart was unwinding into pieces and shattered a bit more at each place he looked, only to find no sign of Hailee.

He ruffled his hair in agitation, skin crawling and legs nearly giving up. The cold rain only poured heavier, but it could not settle the flames blazing in his chest.

"Felix, I'm sure she's fine—"

"She's been ignoring me for days! And none of our calls or texts are going through. What if—"
he shut his eyes and sighed, not wanting to say it but it comes out anyway, "What if something happened to her?"

Ivy remains nonchalant, "Maybe she needs space, or she probably argued with her mother."

Felix blinked, twice. "That's the point Ivy. It doesn't matter what happened, it's the fact that it did happen! It's not normal for someone to just cut everyone off like that. Something is clearly wrong," he exasperates in annoyance.

Felix was bewildered at how calm Ivy was being, considering she was an entire country away and her best friend was literally missing. It only aggravated Felix more. Talking to her was useless because the only thing in sight was just to find Hailee.

Hailee.

If only you could just hear the way my heart is racing like it'll never stop. Please be safe, he wondered. Then the idea hit him.

There was only one place Hailee would go to if she needed to clear her head, the one place that could calm her unsettling nerves like no other.

And he was only minutes away from the book cafe.

~~

I tried to imagine a world where I felt secure in my mother's arms. To feel her calloused fingers gently brushing through the mess in my hair as I snuggled close to her.

The things I would to feel that again would make me wind up as a criminal, or maybe even worse.

I don't understand what it is about me that makes her hate me. Sure, I could be a bitch, but never to her. I've always been there for her, regardless if it wasn't reciprocated.

So why do my efforts never seem to be enough? I could burn myself inside and out, study until my brain cells rot, cook all her favorite meals with no hesitation, and it still won't be enough.

There will never be a moment where just I, will suffice. She will never look at me the way I want to be looked at and I'd rather split open my skull a hundred times over than undergo this heartache.

My eyes are welling up with tears, but I blink them away. I tried to blame the rain that patters onto the window—the small, yet heavy minuscule drops decorating the glass like crystals as they shimmer in the lights.

My life is a mess and I want to laugh and cry about how horribly beautiful it is. The way happiness is so delicate and scary sometimes, because you could literally be at your most ebullient moment—yet it takes one other thing to come knock it down. Stomp on it as it crumbles to ashes.

I am not going to cry. I know better. I knew better than to cry. Crying over bullshit she spat in my face was pointless. It me weak and laughable.

But God—the sobs trapped in me were screaming to be let free. I couldn't breathe, and I'm suffocating in the leashes of my own mind. Her words echo through my head like an irritating alarm, making me want to scrape out my skin a hundred times.