stuck with a phobia ; lee felix

overthinking

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"Hailee, you can't just barge in and say you have a problem, and then just leave me confused like this for five minutes," Ivy points out distressingly. "What's the matter? You're scaring me."

I didn't mean to leave her in confusion, but before I even said a word, I sat down on the bench, opening a juice box, recollecting my thoughts on how to approach Ivy with my conflict.

The moments I interacted with Felix were replaying in my head. A part of me felt nerve wrecked at how many times we've met each other today. Sure it was most probably from mere coincidence, but I had a bad feeling I was going to see him a lot more. If this was fate, how do I defy it? I just don't like the feeling of constantly shrinking amongst others.

"I'm sorry," I muttered. "I was just thinking-"

"About?" she cut me off impatiently. "Wait, don't tell me it's about-"

"Yes, it's about him," this time I was the one to interrupt her mid sentence.

"He wants to become friends. I didn't even know him, and he just scanned over my face for about 3 seconds. Why on earth would he approach me with such a ridiculous question? There was something about him that gave me a bad feeling." Ivy listened intently, not uttering a single word yet.

"Our hands stayed on top of each other for a few seconds until he wanted me to show him around like his personal tour guide. Can you believe how ridiculous my day has been? I turned him down, but now I'm scared that we share other classes together."

Her expression was a bit unreadable, but I continued. "The idea of him asking me to be his friend just makes me sick."

"...Ouch, the way you put it hurts and it's not even about me," Ivy said in a dejecting tone. "Hailee, this is not what we talked about yesterday."

"I know! I know, but I just can't help it. I don't feel safe around new people, I hate it when anyone tries to get closer than they already are. There's a line I drew, a door I built that's meant to stay locked. There's no room inside for anyone, and I certainly don't want to start inviting anyone in now," I rambled on.

"I feel like you're going too far with this, over-dramatic even," she sounded annoyed at this point.

"All he wanted you to do was maybe show him around the school. He's alone Hailee, of course he's going to ask someone whenever he finds the opportunity." She watched my eyes shift to the ground, but still went on.

"And coming to a new school? He'll want to make friends right away, duh. Anyone would. You really need to get over your fear already, it's been years and I feel bad for the poor boy. You almost act like your heart is made of stone, but it's not. You have to step outside sometimes, and breathe. Stop overreacting about every single person that wants to get to know you, stop turning them down when you don't even know them."

She worded things as if it's so easy. Easy for her.

But it's different for me. Not everyone was blessed with the nature to feel free and talk to every stranger they lay their eyes upon.

"Overreacting..? Ivy, how could you even begin to say that," tears welled up in my eyes.

Restraining tears in public was so difficult, how did I manage to do it before? I would think the only person I could label and believe is my friend would be the one who understood me; not calling me dramatic for how I felt.

She looked up at me, her eyes softening as realization hit her like a truck.

Ivy pulled me in for a hug, "Gosh, I'm so sorry Hailee. I didn't mean it like that, I guess I was just frustrated that this was, yet again, another person you shoved away without a thought."

It was true, but I couldn't control the habits estranged in both my head and heart.

She continued, "I really am sorry Hae. Not to sound like a parent, but I really do want things to look brighter for you. Don't you want things to get better as well?"

"I do," I whispered.

"Then break out of those boundaries, and open the door. It doesn't even have to be wide open, just a little bit would do for now. You can open it up little by little as time progresses, I know you can."

The wind hushed strains of hair into my face, and the leaves raining down cackled. It felt calmer now.

"You won't feel free, nor will you feel safe if you don't face your feelings, you know?" Ivy said in a comforting manner.

Perhaps, if I let Felix in, even just a bit I can finally free myself of the complexity inside my mind that's been haunting me for years.

"Not everyone is like him, ya know?"

Possibly. But it's not like you can trust someone completely; who knows what sort of backstabbing, vicious intentions they have laced in their mind.
Not to mention, I doubt the new boy would even walk up and talk to the school's major loser loner anyway. The odds just didn't match up.

"Oh, I didn't catch his name. What is it?" she questioned as we broke free from the hug.

"Felix. Lee Felix."

"Felix huh? I like him already," she smirked.

"What's with that smug look on your face," I punched her shoulder.

"Oh nothing. I just have a really good feeling about him. You two could be great friends, and perhaps even more, who knows really." Ivy teased. "Is he handsome?"

"Well, he does have an attractive face and attractive features, but none of that means anything. Not even the most charming looks in the world can change my mind," I remind her.

"Trust me Hailee, my guts tell me he might change your life."

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