stuck with a phobia ; lee felix

i'll find a way

☾✰

My feet dragged across the clean floorboards that sparkled in the lights just above. I heard small sniffles and whimpers being muffled out inside the room. She couldn't hide this from me, because I know all too well that what's shattered can't be glued back together the same.

"Mom, it's me."

The soft cries that once echoed the empty halls stopped. I could tell she was probably cleaning herself up and tried to look as if she wasn't crying. After all, we all tend to do that.

Soon the door unlocked and was swung open, and I was met face to face with her, a wide smile drawn.

"Ah Hailee, you're back. I missed you so much!" She pulls me into her embrace, her arms wrapping around me tightly while her neck buried into the crook of my neck. This hug felt so desperate. As if she's been longing for one for so long.

"Please don't cry," I said. "You know, you can always talk to me if you feel bothered by something."

She pulls away and gives me a small smile, "Who said I was crying?"

I rolled my eyes at her terrible attempt to lie.
"I hate it when you always lie like that. I heard obvious crying when I walked in, and no one lives here but us. I always hear you."

"It's nothing to worry over. We all feel a little emotional every now and then, so just mind your business."

Mind my business? She's my own mother, she was my business! She's been acting like a different person everyday, and the familiar feeling of distance was growing upon me.

Rage swelling in me, I don't even hesitate and erupt, "Are you kidding me? After that asshole left, all you've been doing is crying as if your life is completely over! Stop being so hung up on a traitor like him. Do you really think it's been easy for me to cope with as well? You don't understand how hard it is for me to ev-"

Before I could finish, she yells, "That's enough!"I jump back a bit and look into her stern eyes.
"Watch your mouth, just because I've been sad doesn't mean that gives you the liberty to say whatever you want. I'm fine and I've been fine.  Who said I was still after that wretched man in the first place?" She looked away, her eyes darted to the ground.  "He has no place in my heart," she scoffed.

Lies.

"I didn't even say anything bad," I mumbled, now feeling even worse because I was scolded for doing no crime.

Her eyes shot up and her expression softened. Depression consumed her, and I felt strings in my heart tighten as I watched it all happen before me. How could I console someone who never wanted to help in the first place. She's been having such a bipolar outlook, I wanted to escape.

I'll be making lunch, so freshen up." She smiled again and walked into the kitchen.

Mom gets random mood swings so frequently, the effect on me was getting overwhelming. She denies every suggestion I offered, like seeing a therapist at least, but nothing seems to break down the wall that is her mind. 

Watching her crumble down and act like someone different everyday stung. She showers me with fake hugs, screams at me with tears streaming down her cheeks, and looks at me with deadly, irritated glares. It varies every day, every week. It's like she's forcing everything upon her, as if she's forcing herself to be with me.

Sure we don't talk much, or interact except for when we eat, but she's my mother and I still love her.

But I don't think she feels the same.
Her actions make it seem as if she's obligated to take care of me, which she does not even. If I learned anything throughout these 9 years, it's how to become a parent of both myself and my mother.

Drinking has become one of her natural habits now, and it's rare not to find her without a drink at night.

And if only I had a genie in a lamp, I'd rant to them about my entire list of wishes I wholeheartedly wished would come true.
I wish I had my mom back. I wish I was still acknowledged with some affection. I wish I didn't have to feel so shitty every time I came home. I wish I was just loved again.

~~

I felt exhausted as I sighed into my pillows. So exhausted.

First there was Felix at school, along with the additional stress from studies, and now  there was this.

I stared at the empty ceiling above me. It was quiet. Entirely silent, and I adored it. Oh how calming it was, how lonely it is in here. There was just silence, only me in the room, and no noise echoed back in the house. Not even the sound of the wind howling outside was present.

It was silent, yet why were my eyes filling up with tears? Why does my chest feel so heavy? I thought I preferred being alone.

Author's pov

Felix couldn't understand what was happening with him today, the same question circled around in his mind.

His fingers traveled up to his hair, and grabbed a bunch of it at once. He couldn't understand why the thought of Hailee wasn't leaving his mind. It was only his first day arriving, yet the image of the girl stayed glued in his head.

He knew she tried to draw a line between them, but something in his veins wanted him to prevent the idea at all costs. "I finally made a friend here, I can't just let that go," he whispers.

The curiosity behind the girl was driving him nuts, he wanted to learn more about her. Why wasn't she interested in making friends, especially with him?

Felix wasn't oblivious that he had the entire's school attention in his hands, it's not like he wanted it in the first place. For once, he just wanted genuine friends, and Hailee shutting him out made him all the more enthusiastic.

Felix thought back to how outgoing Hailee was with Ivy, and a little jealousy grew inside him that those same expressions were not reciprocated with him.

"Who are you behind that wall?" he looked up asking. Maybe he was going crazy already, but that sweet smile of hers replayed over and over.

"I'll find a way to get to you."