stuck with a phobia ; lee felix

safe haven

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The wind gently stroked my face as I sat on the bench, isolated from the world. It was carved carefully from aged bark that wore patches of moss, situated perfectly on the rooftop of our school. I never understood the poor judgment of others to not spend time up here, but it is truly a blessing. It didn't matter if the rest of the school didn't know they could even access the roof top or thought of it as a shabby, boring place away from the loud pool of the student body. 

It was serene here. Quiet and elevated where the songs sung by birds made it easier to cover my thoughts. I liked being away from the loud masses of teenage obnoxiousness, cherishing being engulfed in the quiet momentum of my own company.

And yet I may have spoken too soon about enjoying the silence. My body jolts slightly forward as the doors swing open abruptly and my solitude is shattered. Way to jinx it, Hailee.

"Hey loser, watch out!" A familiar, loud voice warned. Before my body could react in time, a cold juice box hits me hard in the back of my head. 

"Ivy!" I exclaimed, irritated especially because of her sudden loud entrance ruining my moment of quiet. "That hurts!"

She released a snort, "Yeah right, like a juice box can cause that much pain." 

She was right, it barely hurt. I still rolled my eyes at her indifference while unpacking my lunch. Today's turkey sandwich is the same as everyday. Maybe I could change things around some days, but with my budget and circumstances at home, I might as well protect the capacity I have now even if my tongue was accustomed to the bland taste. 

I try not to complain though, at least I had something to eat.

Ivy and I take our first few bites in silence, savoring the lightness in the air. She suddenly begins, "Today feels especially quiet. Has it always been like this?"

I halt. I couldn't decipher the cadence in her words. Did she reach some sort of epiphany? Was she just trying to spark some conversation?

Was she discontent with my company?

We hardly have any classes together, so our lunches aligning was the only time where we could catch up in school. We spend our lunch period together everyday -- sometimes talking more than we eat and laughing until we feel like we're about to throw up. Other days we just soak up the comfort from each other's presence and eat in silence. But sometimes I'm afraid of thinking that Ivy devotes her lunch time with me out of mere pity. 

I chose not to have many friends deliberately. Besides Ivy, I do see the need to speak with or get to know anyone else. One close friend who knows me for me tops having a large circle of "friends" I'd feel uncomfortable around anyday. 

But perhaps I've been too absorbed in my own comfort to even consider how secluded Ivy must feel to spend lunch with me everyday, separated from her other friends.

"Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with just you, but—"
As her voice trails off, I realize what kind of a conversation this was trailing into and I was not about to enjoy it.

"Don't even Ivy," I cut her off. "Besides you, I'd rather just spend time alone."

She did this pretty often. Ivy would give her best efforts to try and convince me to meet other people, make new friends, crawl out of my shell -- but I refuse every time. I don't like getting close with others as lonely as it makes me seem. 

And I know she's concerned that I don't make an effort to get to know other people, especially since we're a year away from graduating high school—but I just don't see the point of it. Why get close to people that will inevitably leave you?

"You're already loud enough," I added, earning a light punch on the shoulder. 

"Admit it Hae, you love my wreckless behavior," she winked as her lips curved upwards slyly.

"I sure do Ives, I sure do."

~~

My mind is at ease knowing I was sitting in for the last class of the school day.  I drew out a long sigh as I thought about how good it was going to feel when my back hits my mattress soon and I would sleep away today's worries.

Our Economics teacher walks in and scans the room. He clears his throat like an annoucement is about to escape his lips.  

"Before we begin with today's lesson, I thought I should let you all know that we'll be welcoming in a new student in this class! Many of you will probably share other classes with him, so please treat him warmly. He'll be starting his first day tomorrow, so please show decorum," he pleaded the last part as if he doesn't trust us. 

And he might be right not to because with just that annoucement, whispers about our new classmate emerged. Curiosity of what he looks like, where he's from, which school clique he'll join scattered across the room. 

I'm just thinking about how loud the next few weeks are going to be as everyone will fawn over this new boy. I guess it shouldn't faze me though, since I'll be keeping my distance as usual. I didn't feel the rush of curiosity since I never planned on being friends anyway. 

I am not risking getting myself attached.

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Well that ends it for the first chapter, stay tuned!