stuck with a phobia ; lee felix

memory on replay

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"I'm only doing this to save you and your mom from trouble—from worse heartache!"

"Dad, what are you saying?"

"Hailee, please. Don't make this harder than it should be. Just move out my way." Guilt trapped eyes stared down at me.

"So then just stay! Why do you have to leave?"

"None of us are happy! You won't stay happy with me, nor will I be happy staying with your mother. Please, Hailee," he sighs, "Stop clinging onto me."

My heart sinks and I felt like throwing up. Mom was silent in the corner with hair concealing her face. It was such a pitiful sight.

Please don't leave, I wanted to say, but I wasn't sure why my lips didn't move and say the words. I don't know why I was just standing there. All I could think of was all the tantrums and shit I did to make him hate me.

I wanted to promise him and tell him that I'll do better. I'll be better and never cause trouble if that's what it would take for him to stay.

But no words were strong enough to make that empty shell of a heart stay.

Clutching on to the bedsheets, my eyes flew open as quick as lightning could strike, heart hammering like I could throw it out. I sat up with a gasp and recollected my thoughts.

The words, the emotions—everything felt too real when it was all just a dream.

Before I even knew it, I felt tears trapped in my eyes, hesitating to string down. Wiping them away, I went downstairs to grab a bottle of water to calm my rushing heart.

That day haunts me all the time to the point where it's even reached my dreams. A memory that switches itself so that it plays like a movie on loop, engraved in my head.

I wish it would just stop. I wish I could just move on. But my head is so loud, I'm not sure if the walls will ever stop caving in.

3:48 AM

The clock read as the glowing light on my phone flashed in my face. Things were messy; so unbelievably messy.

Despite my head pounding in confusion, I can't stay awake nor fall back asleep. The morning's arrival was what I seemed to be dreading the most. I can't bare to look Felix in the face after my meltdown yesterday. Why did I have to come off so rude?

As if that wasn't enough to worry over, there was a frightening chill surrounding me, a wave of humiliation from that nightmare that disrupted my sleep. Did it really have to be that memory?

It could've been anything else.

~~

School.

The one place I wanted to hide from, but here I was pulling my feet across the sidewalk.

Should I skip?

The thought that's been on my mind from the moment I had awoken. It wasn't like me to skip school, but even if I did it'll just make me feel all the more guilty.

Ivy wasn't walking with me today, she went early with Felix.

At least he's not alone, which is a good thing since it's the only piece of reassurance I can feel after exploding on him.

But why did suddenly walking down the street without any of them make me feel so... grim?

Wasn't it always this way? Music in my ears as the two bickered and laughed from behind. What difference does them not being here make?

I didn't realize how much I appreciated both their presences until I lost them.

I'm an asshole.

And it's odd considering the people I've ignored in the past, and lashed out on. None of my reactions had ever fazed me and I was used to people avoiding me since, but remembering Felix's tears makes my throat feel dry and my heart thump out of my chest.

I had no reason to run out of there, crying like a complete lunatic, I have no reason to feel remorse over what I said. Saying the truth should not require all these unnecessary feelings and the fact that Felix makes me feel all these indifferent ways makes me even more aggravated. Another reason why I dislike the guy.

In spite of my hatred, no matter how many times I try to blame him, I can't help but know it's not his fault.

It's mine, I know.

But the languish he pours on me makes me want to dump all the guilt onto him.

"I could've been nicer," I murmur before opening the door to class.

Looking down at the ground as I walk to my seat, I take a glimpse at Felix who had a pen in his hand looking back at me.

This time I wasn't greeted with his bright smile, only solemnity and emotionless eyes.

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happy new year! im only 16 days late !!

i've been on some major writer's block and thought forcing myself to write and publish a chapter would spark something inside me, even though i kinda hate what i wrote here