stuck with a phobia ; lee felix

warmth of a hug

☾✰

It was hardly past five, but the season's changes brought nightfall quickly. The sunshine that emitted warm rays now drifted far off with a chilly, dark sky to replace it.

I had a large hoodie draped over me, yet why was I still feeling so cold?

Quivering with goosebumps, I couldn't look at home the same way.
But, how did I see it?

Coming back to an empty house that inhabits two souls, or maybe just one, since I seemed to be alone most of the time. Returning to a weeping mother who still cannot move on, a prison that's shifted me into a paranoid freak.

Ah, not much of a difference.

Wiping the tears that my eyes glossed with, I heard distant footsteps and eventually heavy panting following behind me. I flinched when I felt the presence draw nearer, but I stopped in my tracks, unable to move forward.

A hand grabbed my shoulder and I jumped in shock.

"It's me," I slowly turned my body to face the figure that beheld that familiar silky voice.

My eyes were on the ground until I finally found the spirit to look up at him.

"Felix.." I managed to gasp out lowly, his warm eyes hovering over mine.

"Are you alright? You left so suddenly—
so quickly, after looking at your phone and your face turned pale."

How did he manage to catch all that, I was sure to be quick with my actions.

"I can walk you to wherever you—"

Not even being able to finish his sentence, I dug myself into Felix's arms. My hands wrapped around his stomach tightly as if he were a teddy bear, and my face closely dived into his chest. It close enough to hear his rapid heartbeat.

I wanted to say I'm sorry.
I wanted to tell him how sorry I was for using him like this when I don't like him.

But for now all I knew was that I needed warmth. Some kind of warmth, any kind! And somehow Felix managed to fulfill that.

We had never been this close to each other, and now I was hugging him. Putting myself into his embrace, while Felix just stood there not knowing what was happening or what to do.

I don't blame him though.
His hands were in the air, and didn't hug me back. I could tell his eyes widened. But I didn't care right now. I didn't care if I hated him or not, I just wanted someone to be here for a while.

So here we are, my arms clutched onto his body as mine was trembling. I let my silent tears stain his hoodie. Gosh, this was so comfortable.

He smelled good. As odd as it sounds, the sweet and refreshing lilac scent radiated from his hoodie and I swear I could stay like this all day if I could.

However, I felt Felix's arms finally hugging me back. His head rested on mine and none us said a single word. He let my tears soak his clothes, he let me bury my face into him, he let me just feel warm for a while.

In a way I felt drunk. Committing this act is something I'd never do. I don't even remember the last time I hugged Ivy, but the satisfying sensation of comfort was just enough for me to give in.

Thank you, Felix.

My thoughts were interrupted when I felt his hands gently stroking the strands of my hair. So delicately and cautiously. It was calming.

We stayed like that for a few minutes until I released myself from his warm embrace, the gushes of wind slapped me once more.

"Sorry, I just had a rough day today," I prompted, refusing to look up at him.

I could feel his eyes lingering on to me, maybe he's looking for the right thing to say?

"Well if you want to talk about it, you're more than welcome to do so with me, you know."

His deep voice wasn't helping the situation, but his words were comforting. A string in me loosened, and I wanted to tell him everything tracing back to my parents' separation. I wanted to let out the cruel drunk thoughts my mother has about me, but I couldn't.

I couldn't because although I had a strong desire to pour it all out to him, I couldn't find the will to trust him.

It's difficult to not feel a peculiar guilt if I open my mouth about my problems. There's a heavy weight in my chest that stays there.

After all, I don't even know you that well Felix. Who's to say I can trust you and you won't leave like he did?

The two of us just stared at each other, waiting for my mouth to open and speak up.

"I'll just get some sleep, it's all I need."

Out of all things, I had to be stuck with this phobia.
A phobia that forces me to keep my mouth shut, shielding me from every opportunity I find to trust someone again.

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hello hello i'm back :0
imagine getting a hug from lix, it sounds so comforting :(