Just Imagine...

Oh God... please no...

No one was really surprised when John Hart miraculously turned up at the hub one morning claiming that he'd been living in a shack in the jungle for about a year and a half. In fact, Gwen's exact words were "yeah, that sounds like you".
But no one was prepared when Sam's sister Vanessa arrived, tailing her like needy student trying to get the teacher's attention.
"Sammy, it smells like dust in here!" She complained as she followed Sam in the cog wheel door, "whoa." She added when she saw the size of the room she'd entered into.
"Not a word." Sam hissed as Gwen opened her mouth to ask her why Vanessa was here.
"It smells like bird poo in here!" Vanessa whined, "Sammy, are there birds in here??"
"No, but we've got a pteranodon." Ianto spoke up with a smirk.
"That's like a dog, right?" Vanessa asked, "I hope it doesn't fight with Missy and Prissy! They're in heat!" The last part was in a whisper and directed at Sam as she tugged on the leashes of her two poodles. Sam sighed deeply, covering her face with her hands.
"Deep breaths, Sam. Deep breaths." She murmured to herself, clenching her teeth together so hard it would be a miracle if she didn't end up going to the dentist later, "Vanessa, dear, we're really busy right now, okay? Can we talk about this later?"
"Talk about what later?" Toshiko asked, coming to stand beside Gwen.
"Oh, I'm flying out to Bora Bora tomorrow and I need somebody to look after my poochums." Vanessa said.
"Sorry, your what?" Owen demanded.
"That's what she calls her dogs," Sam sighed, "and I already told you no, Nessa. I'm sorry, but I don't have time to put beauty moisturizing wraps on your dogs' feet every morning! You'll have to ask somebody else."
"Oh Sammy, please! I can't bear the thought of my poor babies being alone in the house for two days!"
"Who the hell takes a two-day trip to Bora Bora by themselves?"
"I do! Because I looked in the mirror last night and said to myself, 'Nessa, you've been moping around this big house all alone for too long. So it's time to get off your bumbum and go find a man on the other side of the world!' and I responded, 'okay Nessa, you're so smart!' and then I said 'oh thank you, Nessa, you're so kind!'-"
"It's almost impossible to believe she and Sam were born to the same parents." Toshiko murmured to Gwen as Vanessa carried on. Gwen let out a snort and pursed her lips.
"And so I booked a flight and here I am!" Vanessa concluded, "could I ask Jacksie and Toto to take care of them?"
"No," Sam said firmly, "they've already got two little kiddies to look after. And his name is Ianto, Vanessa, for heaven's sake! The man's standing right there!" She motioned to Ianto with her arm.
"Well if they won't do it, you'll have to!" Vanessa exclaimed, following Sam to her desk.
"Like I said twice before already, I can't." Sam said firmly.
Vanessa's lower lip quivered.
"Uh oh." Ianto murmured quietly to Gwen and Tosh as he walked up to them.
"Sammy," Vanessa gasped, sounding like she was close to tears, "don't you love me? I'm your sister!"
"Of course I love you, Nessa," Sam sighed, "but I've been run off my feet here for weeks and I just can't handle another living thing right now, so there's no need to put on your cry act, it's not gonna work."
"Oh, Sammy!" Vanessa wailed, "look at my little poochums! They're gonna be all alone in my big, dark, cold house!"
"This is the fucking Caribbean, how dark and cold could it possibly get?" Sam shot back.
Vanessa knelt down on the floor and held up one of her poodles so she was looking at Sam.
"Pwease Auntie Sammy," she said in a high-pitched voice, "don't wet me and Pwissy stay home awone for two days!"
Sam blinked, expressionless. Clearly Vanessa's tactic wasn't working.
"I'm sorry, Missy," Vanessa said to the dog, "looks like Auntie Sammy can't look after you. You'll have to be all alone. With a limited food supply. And only the creepy old man next door to check in on you, if he remembers."
"Then you better go remind him again," Sam said, "quick, it's almost noon, and that's when he likes to strip naked and lay down on his rooftop!"
"Oh, Sam!" Gwen exclaimed as she, Owen, Tosh, and Ianto all burst out laughing.
"John, I'm not gonna say it again, you can't work here," Jack interrupted from upstairs as he came out of his office, followed by John, "why don't you see if a new position's opened up at The Mermaid's Song? I know from experience you make a good barmaid."
"Excuse you," John argued, "I make an excellent barmaid. But it's so boring when there's no gorgeous ladies from Qhorphris working beside you, you know th-" he stopped mid sentence when he caught sight of Vanessa. Jack spotted her in the same moment.
"Aunt Nessa?" He asked, "what're you doing here?"
"She's doing nothing," Sam said, "except leaving. Go on." She began pushing Vanessa towards the door.
"Wait! Sammy, aren't you going to introduce me to your new friend?" Vanessa asked, pointing at John.
"He's not my friend," Sam said, "I hate his guts. Let's get moving!"
"Who is she?" John asked, suddenly right behind Sam.  
"Who's... he?" Vanessa added in the same tone.
"No one important," Sam said, "John, get back. GET BACK." She tried to push John away with her elbow but he stepped around her so he was face to face with Vanessa.
"J-I'm," he stammered, then cleared his throat awkwardly, "I'm John Hart. Captain John Hart."
"Ooh, a captain," Vanessa murmured with a slight blush, "do you have a boat?"
"Not yet, but I'm working on it." John replied with a smirk.
"I feel sick." Sam groaned, leaning heavily on Ianto's shoulder.
"I'm Vanessa," Vanessa said, "but all my friends and family just call me Nessa."
"Well it's a pleasure to meet you, Nessa." John said with a wink. Vanessa giggled like a teenage girl.
"I see what you did there!" She exclaimed, "you just made yourself my friend!"
"Not gonna lie, that was pretty smooth." Owen muttered.
"I'm having chest pains." Sam wheezed, squeezing her eyes shut.
"And who are these two lovely ladies?" John asked, kneeling in front of Vanessa's two dogs.
"Oh dear God." Gwen laughed softly.
"This is Prissy and Missy." Vanessa said.
"I love poodles." John murmured.
"A little too much." Ianto commented.
"Shh!" Tosh giggled, nudging him.
"I love poodles too!" Vanessa exclaimed, "which is why I have two! Oh no, now I'm talking weird, and I'm being all clumsy, aren't I?"
John stood back up and looked her right in the eyes.
"You wouldn't be clumsy if you got drunk on constellation cocktails and tripped over a Kungreon's tail." He breathed, gently placing his fingers under her chin.
"I don't know what that means but it sounded like something nice," Vanessa murmured, "so thank you."
"If they kiss I'm gonna slit my throat." Owen grumbled.
"Say, Nessa, I'm a bit new in town," John mused, "do you know of any good bars where a bachelor could get a drink?"
"Well, there's The Mermaid's Song," Vanessa murmured, "but I can't possibly let you go alone." She winked.
"That's fine by me," John murmured, "lead the way, pretty thing."
As soon as the cog wheel door rolled shut behind them, Ianto, Gwen, Owen, and Toshiko all burst out laughing. Sam grabbed Tosh's stuffed tiger from her desk and cuddled it to her chest, looking traumatized. Jack was staring at the spot where John and Vanessa had been, opening and closing his mouth over and over again like he was trying to say something but had forgotten how to speak.
"Wh-what happened?" He stammered finally, "I don't understand. What happened?"
"Well, Jack," Ianto said, wiping his eyes, "it looks like your ex is going out with your aunt."
"EW!" Owen exclaimed, practically roaring with laughter, "DON'T SAY IT THAT WAY, IANTO, THAT'S DISGUSTING!"
"The whole world is disgusting." Sam said with a vacant expression.
"Oh, c'mon, Sam," Gwen murmured, "it won't lead to anything serious."
"Besides, isn't Vanessa flying to Bora Bora tomorrow for the exact purpose of finding a new boyfriend?" Tosh added.  
"Okay, you're right, you're right," Sam murmured, nodding, "I'm getting worked up over nothing, this is fine. This is just fine."
Her phone dinged, and Gwen, who was closest to her desk, picked it up.
"It's Vanessa." She said.
"Oh yeah? What's she sayin'?" Sam asked in a nervous whisper.
"She says you won't have to look after her poochums anymore because she just canceled her plane tickets." Gwen answered.
"Dear God, it's barely been five minutes!" Owen hooted. He seemed to be enjoying the situation a bit too much.
Sam blinked as though she was trying to process everything that was going on, then promptly burst into tears. Ianto hugged her.
"I have a feeling the next few days are going to be rough." He murmured over her sobs.

John arrived back at the hub the next day with a faraway look in his eyes and a goofy smile.
"What's going on with him?" Gwen asked Tosh in a whisper.
"I'd say it likely has something to do with Sam's sister." Tosh whispered back, and the two of them laughed quietly.
"I already told you I'm not letting you work here." Jack said to John without even looking at him.
"I don't care," John murmured, "I'm just here to tell you that I'm glad I realized I don't need this place. Who needs Torchwood when there's dewdrops on the grass and birds singing in the trees? Or when you can kiss someone whose lips taste sweeter than honey?"
"What?" Jack demanded, whipping around.
"Oh my God!" Jessie exclaimed, "he's in love!"
"Oh my God, I'm gonna drive my car over a cliff!" Sam wailed.
"No you're not." Ianto said gently, patting her shoulder.
"John, what're you talking about?" Jack asked.
John laughed.
"Don't you understand?" He mused, "I've fallen in love with your aunt."

Jack woke up with a small gasp. It took him a moment to register his surroundings but he soon realized that he was at home in bed. There was afternoon sunlight coming in through the windows and there was a cloth soaked in cold water on his forehead. Ianto was leaning over him, looking anxious.
"What happened?" Jack asked, trying to sit up.
"You fainted," Ianto murmured anxiously, "just lie down, Jack. Try to relax."
Jack chuckled.
"Ianto, I had the weirdest dream," he said, starting to laugh a little harder, "I dreamt that John Hart was in love with my Aunt Vanessa. Isn't that hilarious?" He kept laughing for a moment before he saw the look on Ianto's face. He wasn't laughing. "What is it?" Jack asked.
"We need to talk about something," Ianto said gently, "try to stay calm, okay?"
"What's the matter?" Jack asked.
A few seconds later, a horrified scream could be heard from the Harkness-Jones' house, causing a flock of birds who had been twittering in a nearby tree to take flight. Anyone walking by might've thought someone was being murdered upstairs. The truth was that it was actually something much, much worse, at least to Jack and Sam, that is.