Just Imagine...

Bare My Soul

It was time.
Jack didn't know why he had decided to do this, but once he got the idea in his head there was no turning back. He knew it would undoubtedly cause him pain but for some reason that didn't deter him. He was just having a bad day, he supposed, one where all the bad memories from his past flooded his brain and wouldn't get out.  
He chose a specific time to hold a team meeting - not in the boardroom, in the break area, which everyone seemed to find suspicious enough. When they were all gathered, Jack swallowed down his anxiety and heartache, and bared his soul to the people he loved most.
"There's something you all should know about me," he murmured, "and I don't want anyone to speak until I'm finished; I'm a monster. I'm a terrible person. Bad things happen to the people around me and it's all my fault. It started with my little brother, Gray. I let go of his hand. He got captured by those creatures because of me. And I've just gotten worse since then. I've killed for no reason. People have died under my protection and it's because of me."
Jack found himself even recounting some of the horrible things he'd done. He couldn't bear to look at the others as he spoke, so he just thought about how much he loved them while they were still in his life.
Sam. Sam was Jack's renther, the one who had stood up and made a promise to care for him when they found out they had the same blood. She had been by his side in his darkest moments, encouraged him to express himself and step out of his comfort zone a little.
Gwen. She was his best friend, so strong and beautiful. After all they'd been through together, she still had heart. She still cared about people. She had taught Jack to love humanity as a whole when he'd forgotten how important it was to do so.
Owen. Owen was almost like a little brother to Jack, though he'd never say so out loud. They were pals, Owen was somebody Jack could get blackout drunk with or just sit around and have a good laugh about the good times. But Owen also cared for Jack's physical health and encouraged him to do so as well. Owen, believe it or not, had reminded Jack how important it was to take care of himself, even though he definitely didn't deserve that.
Tosh. Tosh was so beautiful and smart, but she could never see that in herself. Jack was the one who'd spent their friendship telling her how brilliant she was, but that wasn't a one-way street. Jack remembered times when the two of them had sat on the floor in his office and talked about space, other planets, alien life forms. Tosh had awoken Jack's imagination, and she never failed to impress him.
Ianto. Sweet, dear Ianto. So fragile, yet brave and bold. So broken, yet courageous and determined to show kindness instead of cruelty. He was Jack's lover, but at the same time he was so much more. He was Jack's everything. Ianto, without conscious effort, had reminded Jack to love himself as much as he loved his family. That's what the team was to him; his family.
But he knew he wasn't going to have a family much longer.
"That's it," he concluded with a shaky breath, "I'm finished. That's all the bad things I've done. Go ahead and leave, I know you want to. I don't blame you for hating me because I hate myself. Why would any of you love me after I told you this? How could you love me?"
There was a long silence in which Jack worked up enough courage to glance up from his hands in his lap. The others were all giving each other looks, though their expressions were mainly unreadable. 
Jack's heart was shattering into a million pieces but he didn't let it show. He was mortal now, that was true, but he was used to losing people. This would be no different. Except for the fact that he'd never loved anyone as much as he loved these people. But it was obvious they wouldn't love him back after this.
It was Sam who finally broke the silence.
"Jacksie, what the hell are you talking about?" She asked sharply. Jack winced.
"I told you," he said, "I'm a terrible person. I've-"
"No no no, not that," Sam cut him off, "I don't care about what you've done. I'm talking about that bullshit at the end about us leaving you. You think we would?"
Jack looked up at her, unsure what he was feeling.
"But how could you not?" He demanded, "I just told you about all the awful things I've done!"
"So?" Sam scoffed, "how long ago was that? Way before you met any of us. We've all done shitty things too, right guys?"
She looked around at the others, who all nodded in agreement.
"Not as bad as me." Jack murmured, looking at his hands in his lap again.
"Jack, you did what you had to." Tosh murmured softly.
"That takes a lot of balls," Owen added, "more than any of us have."
"Speak for yourself." Sam huffed, and Owen gave her a rough yet playful shove.
"You're saying you're proud of me?" Jack asked in disbelief.
"Not exactly," Ianto replied, "but... we love you. I love you. And that's never going to change, no matter what."
"People make mistakes, Jack," Gwen added, "like Sam said, we all have. You need to stop blaming yourself for things you rarely had control over. Those things weren't your fault."
"Well put, Gwennie," Sam murmured, "I blame myself for things too, y'know, Jack. Things I had no control over, things I couldn't've made a bit of difference about. You gotta stand up to those voices in your head that tell you it was your fault; it wasn't. Those demons prey on your guilt and self-loathing, you gotta stomp 'em out and starve 'em. You deserve to be loved and cared for, don't let anyone tell you otherwise." She cupped Jack's face in her hands, forcing him to look into her enchanting green eyes as she gently stroked his cheekbones with her thumbs, wiping away tears Jack hadn't known were falling.
"But I'm a monster." He choked out.
"Jack," Ianto said softly, touching his shoulder, "you're not a monster. You're the man I love."
"And you're my son." Sam added, a warm, affectionate smile on her face.
"And our friend." Gwen put in as Tosh and Owen nodded.
"And like Ianto said, we will always love you with all our hearts," Sam concluded, "that's never gonna change."
"Promise?" Jack found himself asking.
"We promise." Tosh said.
That was when Jack broke down. The others all rushed to cuddle and comfort him as he began to cry harder than he ever had in his entire life. Great sobs wracked his body, making him spasm and convulse, to the point that he could hardly breathe.
It wasn't sadness that caused the explosion. It was joy. Jack felt like his heart would burst from the combined force of the love he felt for these people and the love they were returning to him. And for the first time in his long life, he felt like he actually deserved it. Jack had been starved of that love and affection and now his body craved it, sucking it up ravenously as the team offered it to him through hugs, kisses, holding his hands, gentle words and smiles.
It took a while, but Jack finally managed to stop crying. He was breathing heavily and had pins and needles in his fingers.
"Are you okay, Jack?" Ianto asked softly.
Jack nodded, biting his lip.
"I think so," he said, "I feel a little-"
"Dehydrated?" Owen filled in. Jack chuckled.
"Yeah," he said, "dehydrated." Then he started to laugh hysterically, holding his belly as he fell backwards on the couch and kicking his feet up in the air. He was crying again, but this time because of laughter. He knew it wasn't that funny but he couldn't stop himself. The others were smiling at him, eyes sparkling.
"Here." Gwen giggled, handing him her water bottle. Jack cleared his throat to get his laughter under control.
"Thanks." He panted, taking it from her. He wiped his eyes and nose on the back of his sleeve. "I... I love you guys too."