Sparks in the Dark

The Rain

            The world sounds loud. Music flows through my ears and although the music is soft and beautiful it pulls at my heart strings till they twang to a lost melody that sounds almost forgotten, the melodies pausing briefly and the sound is just a key off. The music makes the world look almost silent, the noise never interrupting the flow of the song or the pound of my heart, my breathing covering any other outward sounds. I sit in a public space with my hair down and hiding my face, my hood up just trying to disappear and hide in this space, this space isn't mine nor is it anyone else's but I can't help to feel stuck and heavy with the need to leave and move, a heavy disrespect swirling around my head as if saying its wrong to sit in a public space that is unowned.

I wish to be in a deep forest illuminated by soft light, sun light hidden by clouds pouring out rain like heavy tears, a fog like cloud that sits just at the top of the tall trees, stretching for what seems like miles. The air feels almost warm in the rain, but my body already used to the temperature can't seem to find the difference. It feels like the air I breathe is heavy and my body seems to sink more into the ground as I sit alone against a tree, nothing on but a pair of black sweats, no need for shirts or bras anymore for I have already found my freedom from myself. The sound of the rain is relaxing and stressing at the same time. As time passes, I feel unaffected, not knowing how long I've been here or how long I've been sitting in this beautiful rain.

I wish for her to be here, to see the inside of my peacefully sad brain, the peace that no longer brings me as much pain as it used to, the silence lost in the rain and what sounds like running water somewhere near me. I sluggishly get up, my legs almost collapsing as I strain to get up after sitting for so long, slipping slightly on the mud surrounding me. My hair is drenched and in my eyes, but I don't want to pull it back in fear of showing my face willingly to the outside world. I follow the shifting and distant sounding water, my eyes fluttering every so often, I am physically alert and awake, but my mind pleads with me to rest, although I wish not to, because rest would mean facing my mind more than I already am now.

As I am arguing with my thoughts, lost in them, I suddenly fall into a mass of water, sinking. I feel myself slowly moving downward, though my brain isn't comprehending what is actually happening, I close my eyes and take a deep breath... it hurts but... I smell pine, and rain, and a hint of spring. I open my eyes, suddenly sitting at a tree staring at a huge body of water that is nicely accompanied by a beautiful waterfall that seems to be full and lively in this heavy rain. My lungs feel heavy, but they always seem to be like that. My head rolls back softly against the tree as my mind is attacked with images and memories of god knows what. I feel the emotions, but the images seem blurry and almost blacked out, the voices and smells out of tune like it's a broken video, or like the memory has been drugged.

I take a deep breath that sends a shaky twang to my chest that feels staticky and almost out of touch, like my chest isn't really mine, like when your leg falls asleep and you can't fully feel it but you know its there. I open my eyes slowly and peer at the waterfall as I wipe my cheek. At this point I'm not fully sure of when its rain or not. My eyes feel heavy and tired and my body feels weighed down, like even if I tried to move I wouldn't. But I know I could if I really tried. I'm tired, but sleep isn't an option.

I get up and walk sluggishly towards the body of water, falling to my knees I sit in front of it, but I fear looking into it. I take a deep breath looking at the sky for what seems like forever but is really only a moment. The rain sprinkles on my face lightly even through the rain drops look big and heavy. I drop my head and slowly open my eyes to see the face in front of me. Its me. I mean of course its me, who else would or even could it be. But I peer down at this face I've known and seen my whole life, the face I've watched grow and change, this face that I have stared at many times before and have even taken pictures of... and it somehow, some way, looks wrong. I can't describe, or even begin to quite understand myself of why o-or how. My body seems to involuntarily lean forward and I see more of myself, my body feeling more and more heavy as I sit and stare, my existence feeling unreal, like I'm not really there, just an out of body source staring at this person staring at themselves. But I am this person.

While busy thinking of how my head is full and my thoughts feel loud, I feel pain in my chest, and I open my eyes. I fell in again. Or maybe I just fell in now? I'm not sure what all has been real. Because it all physically feels real, but mentally I feel like someone else watching this all happen, an imposter in this poor persons life. I feel unreal. I close my eyes and see her face. I love her. I don't have the strength or the energy to swim back up. I look up at the light slowly fading from the top of the water.

I fall. From the water, I think...? At least it felt like I did, I was in the water and I felt like I was slowly falling out of it. But I sit in front of this body of water again looking down, and I swear for a second I could see myself there, sinking. I stumble back away from the water. I can't see that again. I get up slowly and I stumble away from the area. I walk for maybe hours, maybe its just been a couple minutes? Maybe its been days that I've been in here... I'm not sure, but I know that this rain is starting to let up just a little.

As I keep walking my legs feel like they are being weighed down by chains and boulders. My every step feels like its shaking this very earth, sinking deeply into the mud, but when I look down at my feet they aren't sinking, and they aren't chained. I see a huge tree with dense leaves and the soil around it looks slightly drier than all the mud in the area. I sit below the tree, rain no longer caressing my face. I rest my head against the tree and feel sleep creeping in on me. I don't even have the energy to fight it, I feel the heaviness blanketing my body and I open my eyes briefly and see a deer with huge antlers covered in vines and flowers as I slip into unconsciousness.