Sparks in the Dark

Features

I can remember everything so vividly. But I can't seem to make my hands put it all down on paper. 

I remember the exact color of your eyes and how they would flow from your light blue to dark, I always associated them with husky eyes. How your cheek bones would flow in your face and your awkward smile you'd hold because you always felt self conscious. I love your smile, insane as it is and looks it is beautiful. 

I remember almost every line in your hands when I would hold them and stare at them for minutes at a time, I remember where all the rough and soft textures are when I would run my fingers along the lines. 

I remember the feeling of sitting in your lap and hugging you, no matter the context, whether I was sad and just wanted a hug, or I wanted to silently cry in your collarbones that just barely jutted out, or if I just wanted to enjoy your presence a little more closely. 

I remember every time we spend together that we weren't supposed to, you always tried to make an effort to see me even though your not supposed to, and I may not have always been able to comply but I did always try to see you, even when you didn't wanna see me. 

I've etched the memory of faces you've made, the smile in that photo, the look you make when your awkward, that line in your smile when you'd wanna smile but force it down, the intensity of your eyes when you'd look at me, and only me, the calm comfortable look in your expression when it was just you and me and you would be so at peace you'd fall asleep in my lap. 

I can still remember how it felt every time we'd start talking again, that first hug. "I miss you."

"I've missed you."

"I miss you."

"Can I hug you?"

Sometimes I couldn't even get myself to speak, tears choking up my throat. But in my mind I was still screaming... "I've missed you."

I know the feeling of the anxiety when you text for the first time in a while and I fear for what your going to say, because I've thought about it for so long and missed you so much that I always hope you feel the same way and that we can just restart again and do better, fix what we hadn't before and move forward. But I'm always scared that one day your going to text and your going to say you don't love me anymore, that I gotta move on and forget about you, that you've moved on and your doing better, that you hate me and to never come back. 

BUT HOW DO I FORGET YOUR SOFT SWEET SMILE? HOW DO I FORGET THE ACHE IN MY HEART THAT LONGS FOR THE WAY YOU HUG ME, HOW DO I JUST FORGET THE WAY YOU USED TO LOOK WHEN I WOULD RUN MY HANDS THROUGH YOUR HAIR AND TRACE YOUR FACIAL FEATURES, HOW DO I JUST LET GO OF THE MEMORIES I HAVE THAT MEAN SO MUCH TO ME?

I've never really wanted to leave... I just get so scared that one day your going to realize I am in love with you and that I am head over heals and then your going to leave me in pain to make up for every time I got scared and ran. I am terrified that one day your going to want revenge, or your going to realize that I am not who I used to be and you won't stay, or maybe you'll realize that all the things you loved before are gone. 

"Change is beautiful, and no matter how you change I will always love you." But do you mean it? I am not as immature and fun, I am not as carefree and wild, I am not as flirtatious and I have more physical boundaries with others, I don't much care for sweet nothings anymore, I am not as gullible. I'm more cautious and awkward and anxious, I tend to ask too many questions and I still worry too much. 

One thing that hasn't changed is I still love you. I have moved on from everyone else and your the last one I'm stuck on, I just can't seem to let you go. And I am mortified of us repeating history, I wanna talk everything out and have reassurance that we won't become who we were in middle school, I wanna know that you've grown since then, I wanna see how you've changed and matured, I wanna see how you haven't, I wanna meet you in the middle. 

Then again, do you even miss me? Do you remember my features? They've changed since I left, do you remember my voice? Because the tones are a little different now. What do you think about, and is any of it me...?