Sparks in the Dark

Hopeless Romantic

Being a hopeless romantic is not all its hyped up to be.
Being a dreamer is not all as great as its played out to be.
Books and poems and movies and shows talk of hopeless romantics and dreamers who stare off and think of only love and their one true love, they search for them in the hallways while they run their hands through their hair and think of their future together with someone.
But its not like that, and hopeless romantics know that.
Me in particular, I am an adrenaline junkie hopeless romantic with obsessive tendencies and who has anxiety. Not even a triple threat, thats a 4 way killer. I crave for the feeling of new, and when you've been playing off the new feeling for so long with old people it gets so over played.. at some point the anxious feelings turned into an addiction, in which I would put myself unintentionally into situations that would get my heart thumping and I'd feel something "new."
Now the funny thing about that is, "well why don't you just, stop going back to your exs and actually find someone new who's healthier and that will stay and make life exciting?" Well I do want that, I crave that, I want it. Now heres the funny part, after four years I finally broke the pattern and I found someone new!
Turns out that they didn't want me back the same way in the end, and the didn't tell me till about a year later. Actually they didn't tell me at all, I just kinda, figured it out. And well one fail right? Just try again. I did. About six times. Narssassist, heavily toxic, toxic manipulative and a pathological liar, ghosted me after I put in "too much effort," also ghosted me because I came off too strong, wasn't interested, was too young. Ya know I try, and I try to also keep myself safe, because love is important, but so is my heart.
I in the end reverted back to, of course, a ex, and that didn't end well, and I knew they were toxic to begin with but I did it anyway, hoping maybe we were meant to be, and that it would work! ... it didn't.
Now, I miss someone else, but hey, they were more toxic than all the others so logically I shouldn't go back. I've thought about it. But I won't, because they hurt the most, and I know that logically I'm just looking for a rush.
In the end, these toxic anxious butterflies aren't worth it and I'll never see them as they are, just because I don't wanna admit that these butterflies are actually wasps and moths making my stomach hurt and my throat swarm.
Now I might be crushing on someone new, but I refuse to let myself, because I don't know if I want to risk having to cut someone out of my life again. I'm so tired of cutting people out of my life.
I'm so tired...
I miss all of you, truly and completely, maybe not some of you, but a lot of you. But I can't ever go back. It would hurt and destroy me too much, and I'm already s o t i r e d. . .