Sparks in the Dark

Are we too young for this?

Yelling, screaming, throwing heads at the walls. Moms off the rails again, dad put the knife down; please don't take him away!

Solitude is something I never much enjoyed. Sitting in a room with silence and nothing but inanimate objects. I can scream and scream but the response that I receive is short and angry, and it never stays for long unless it comes back to shut me up. 

The internet was not a safe space for someone so young. Minecraft, YouTube, music and videos, Facebook, Google, pictures. It started because my mom didn't watch me as a kid, didn't filter what I saw growing up, no one watched me, I was trusted alone at the age 4 and up. 

Family Guy, American Dad, The Cleveland Show, Robot Chicken, Rick and Morty, and so many more. Adult Swim on play late in the night when I couldn't sleep. Curse words floating around and my mom expected me not to learn them, how do you think a child is going to react to a word they're not aloud to say? It ends up everywhere. 

I was always secluded out, I was always ignored, I was always laughed and cooed at as if my pleads for attention were normal and cute and just me trying to get something from the adults. 

Learning about something way too young it really messes with your mind and life. It really effects you in so many ways later on in life, I wish I would've learned the things I did at the times I was supposed to. 

My shy unsocialness in my childhood, my trust issues and acting out, my tantrums that turned into quiet listening, eavesdropping. In my more of pre-teen years, troubles with relationships, friendships, confusing feelings and never had being taught love as anything more than mere friendship. 

Problems with relationships, confusing feelings and just right out acting out because its what I was used to. 

Alcohol, nicotine, weed. Getting drunk, having "fun", passion and having sex, mistaking sex for love and care, mistaking sex as a need and not a want or luxury, something I needed, I craved, I wished for. That is not what I needed to grow up thinking. 

Pent up rage and my inner child screaming out for help and for someone to listen, being stuffed down and gagged, I didn't want to here the tantrums anymore I wanted the anger to go away. 

Its okay. I know now that my childhood was wrong, and although I can't change it, its okay. I'm getting better. I'm growing up.