Sparks in the Dark

Melancholy Brain Rot

Somedays my brain likes to play with the idea of being the villain. I love being a good person and I don't wanna hurt anybody, I wanna help bring people up and heal and I wanna help others to grow with me. 

But, unfortunately sometimes my brain reminds me of a part of me that wants to give up and give in, I wanna ruin lives and relationships, I wanna run rampant and throw fits and I wanna break things, I wanna break people. 

Trauma, ha, ya know? Its so deeply rooted into your brain that sometimes the anger that you burry down likes to try to spike back up and latch onto all the good things and people you've surrounded yourself with. I love my people, and I love you, but a part of me is screaming and crying to run away and blow up all of my progress because love, deep down...

I am a child throwing a tantrum. I am running around screaming, throwing things, yelling out things I know will hurt so so bad, I am breaking things and ruining so many things I care about. On the inside I am tearing down all my progress and I am yelling and screaming my throat raw trying to get the words I want to say out, trying to be heard and listened to, trying to get the attention I so rightfully deserved at that age. 

I am so sorry you have to sit and watch me tussle with my inner child and sometimes you feel the backlash of my feelings, but swallowing down this toxicity sometimes I have to cough, it burns going back down and I don't want to throw up, it hurts to much and I don't want to admit that I am quite that sick yet. 

And my love, I love you so, but please please don't let me cry, because even one true tear would break open these Watergates that I have held for so long, and I love waterfalls but this one needs to stay locked away for now, I don't have the time, the energy, the want the need the momentum. I don't have the motivation. 

A lot of the time mental health is a normal conversation for me, everyone talks about it, talks about self care, talks about the struggles, often I forget that its not normal to be mentally ill. I can comfortably say that I have all these problems, but sometimes the words fall out so naturally that I forget its real. Sometimes I forget that even though I'm healing I still get depressed, I still get anxious, my anger is still raging deep down below, my trauma still haunts and effects me just about everyday, my inner child screaming at me like its all my fault, pushing them down and trying to burry and ignore them like everyone else did in my entire childhood. 

I'm sorry. I wish I could magically be all better, all healed up and better, not for anyone else, but for me. I wanna be better. And I'm sorry b, that you still suffer everyday, I'm trying, its just so hard, there is just too much pressure. 

I think I need someone new to talk to.