Sitting just below the surface of the water, every now and again going up for a moment for air, I look down into the inky blackness of where I crawled back out of. Its so dark down there, and I didn't like who I was down there.
I know I willingly went down before. I was so tired, and all I had to do was stop swimming, it was so easy to let myself sink down in the cold water that held me tight like warm arms, my limbs so numb I couldn't feel the difference anyway. The pain in my chest eventually subsided and the pain was no more than an inconvenience. Its so easy to sink. Sometimes I still want to, I want to let go and sink, I want to be enveloped by the water and just let go and give up.
But, I've already decided that, I don't want to be in the water anymore. I want to try to swim for shore. And I'm doing it at my own pace, right at the surface of the water, I can swim under whenever I want, but at least now I can go up for air.
I still miss the old me sometimes, ya know? I loved the lying, and the faking, and I loved the attention and all the people wanting me, all of the validation and the flattery. I loved when people wanted me. But, its wrong, I don't know if I always knew what I was doing was wrong, but I know now that its wrong.
Sometimes it just feels easier to give up and go back to that. But I wouldn't.
