Sparks in the Dark

Loving you is like...

When I first knew I loved you.. we were so much younger. It's crazy to think, if I knew then, what I know now.. fuck.

At first, loving you, was so hard, because everyone loved you. And i was so scared you'd never love me the same way..

That first kiss. Damn. Loving you then, was like sparks and fireworks. It was staying up late to talk, and only sleeping when you decided to. It was, "God I can't wait to go to school to see you!" It was smelling the rain early in the morning and waiting for you to walk over. It was waiting for you at your locker everyday just to see you before you went home, then talking to you for hours.

But. Things got difficult. But it was still, late night calls, taking pictures of you in the sun, talking all night long, never wanting to sleep just so I could hear your voice. It was walking to your house everyday just to hangout and talk for hours. It was saying stupid things just to hear you laugh, and hating anyone who ever hurt or disrespected you. It was walking with you everywhere, finding any excuse to see you.

It was still two years later. Maybe three. And it only got worse. It was not eating when you were gone, losing sleep because I was missing you, and crashing whenever you left. It was hating myself and my body, wanting to die and constantly regretting everything, it was late night calls.. but not with you anymore... it was finding anything to distract myself.

You came back. I started eating. Little by little. But I was still so scared. Nothing could heal the abandonment issues planted by my past. I hated it. The way you made me feel. Vulnerable. Happy. Safe. Because I don't deserve it.

It was getting better. It was liking my body sometimes. It was smiling everyday. It was feeling lonely without you. It was biking at night because i couldn't drown my thoughts anymore and I just wanted to run. It was listening to music too loud and hurting my head just so I couldn't hear the thoughts that said I don't deserve you.

It was getting better. It was feeling better. Loving better. Trusting better. It. was. getting. better.

It was losing you.

Crying for at least 2 weeks straight. Every night. Locked in my room all day. Sleeping away the sun light. Crying away the moon. Listening to the music you used to send me..

It got better. For a little. I found things to distract me. I went into denial. I started to believe, yeah, I'm over it, I'm over them. But.. when I finally got with someone new.. and they'd ask if I was over you.. I'd get so fucking mad. I would feel a pain in my chest and my body would get hot.. and I'd want to cry, but instead I'd just get mad. And say yes. I'm over them. Get over it. Stop asking. And I believed it... for a while.

But when I was alone. You came across my mind again. And I got so mad at myself. Started calling myself stupid everyday again. But. It still hurts. Because I still love you.

Loving you.. is like.. running towards heaven, but only getting knocked back down on the way there. Never quite getting there. And now.. I just sit on a hill.. a field of flowers below with glass hidden in the grass blades.. and I look at you from afar... and I can see big silver fence.. and I see you with another man.. and you are so happy.