Sparks in the Dark

Last Days

I've been thinking about talking to you again.
Everytime I think that i am so over everything a thought bubbles up, and I realize, I simply have buried a lot of it.
I've been thinking about, one last grand gesture.
Last day of school, this is the end of an Era for me, this is the start of a new part of my life, and I want to start knowing that I won't be trying to go back to any of my past.
I would find you after school, or maybe during school, or maybe a day or so before the last.
I would get as close to you as I could and take deep breaths, the panic having already set in when I woke up that morning rising to my throat trying to keep me quiet.
I would quietly clear my throat and get ready to brace all of my feelings flooding back.
I would say your name, something I haven't uttered for about two years or maybe more. And you would look behind you, and you'd make that face, knowing and realizing it was me.
I would scramble for my words having almost forgotten all of them when you looked at me, and I would stutter nervously about how I would like to talk to you for a moment, if that was okay.
I would rephrase it in my mind and half out loud as I try to get my thoughts across.
"I just want to start off with, I'm sorry. There are so many things I want to say, but to make it quick I've tried to narrow it down so I don't bother you too much. I just want you to know, that even if in the beginning I didn't love you at first, I definitely fell in love with you at some point. I don't know when, or how, or what you did, but I fell. And I don't know if you followed me down but, I just want and maybe even need to know, that your okay, and you are over me and everything that has happened. This is maybe the last time we will ever see each other because I am moving onto a new part of life, and I just want to make sure that your going to be okay, and that your not still holding onto anything."
Now usually, when I think about these things in my head, I fabricate to the best of my abilities to imagine what you would respond with, what you would say. But I don't think I would know how you would respond.
Sometimes, I regret not taking on your offer to stay friends when we broke up. But I know its not what I needed at the time.
I was angry, and hurt, and depressed, and I just wanted to convince myself that you didn't care.
Sometimes I miss you, not us, or anything we had, because we were unhealthy together, but sometimes I miss you, and what we could of had, or what we could have in the future.
I don't want to fall again. It hurt too much the first time, I won't willingly try again, I'll leave it up to the universe and fate.
But sometimes, I do miss you.
And I wonder if you miss me too, and if you still get sad sometimes, or if you ever remember anything.
Sometimes... I miss you.