Sparks in the Dark

A late letter to you.

Hey. I'm growing again..
I'm trying really hard.

I wanna hear you say your proud of me so bad, except you aren't even you anymore huh? You don't really exist
Sure your here inside of me, and I could always just think about you. After all, you is me.. but its not the same.

I'm really trying this time. I wanna reopen up to this idea of letting out my love, but I don't wanna let it go.
I want to be selfish, and greedy, and I want to keep all of me locked away.

They say it's selfish and stubborn, its hurtful and toxic to keep yourself locked up and hidden away, they tell me, man, you treat people bad, so much differently than you used to.
I have such a big heart. I know I have such a big heart.. because it hurts so so much.
I know how much love, understanding, healing, so much in general I have to offer. But I'm so sick of giving myself away to have nothing returned.

Sure, I miss them. I miss a of them. But I don't miss being so very very hurt. I wanna spend more time with her. I wanna go back and visit him more. I wanna let him know I'm here and we'll make it through as friends. I wanna take back all the times I hurt her. I wanna make it up to her. I wanna tell him that he deserves the world but not mine. I wanna tell them all to heal.

I want to push them all to do better, get better, to help them feel better.

After all, all I've ever wanted is to fix everyone.

But hey, this time, I'm fixing up me, and thats good right? I don't need to ask you to validate that, I know its good. I'm growing. And I know I'm growing because I can feel again. But I miss them all. And I know I'll get past it but.. I miss me too.

I'll find my way back to myself, unlike how I won't find my way back to all of them.

But... maybe thats for the best.. I give them all too much credit.. they all were bad people and, I was "strong" to push them away. But I'll end always these letters with a small sour note.

I love you.
And this time around, I also love me.